Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? The Passive Aggressive Personality

Asking your mate to empty the dishwasher should theoretically be totally devoid of drama or tension. It's just one of many chores necessary to keep your home functioning–right? However, with a passive aggressive personality, any situation has the potential to go from the trivial to emotional combat. It started with the simple question from my wife, Ellyn, “Pete did you empty the dishwasher?” I didn't respond but begrudgingly left the History Channel and headed for the kitchen, knowing I had agreed to do it before now. Click here for a FREE report on Passive-Aggressive Behavior! I hadn't put more than three coffee cups into the cupboard when Ellyn informed me I wasn't unloading the dishwasher properly. “Oh, really just what do you suggest?” said I, packing 100 pounds of sarcasm into that question without a shred of genuine curiosity. Ellyn – seemingly stunningly oblivious – responded as though I had some interest in learning a better way. “Empty the bottom rack first so dishes don't get dripped on when you empty the top rack.” I fired the second salvo of sarcasm when thanking her for the lessons on dishwasher liberation. Many times Ellyn has gotten mad at me for not following through with an agreement. This was the real problem for Ellyn and the dishwasher. After I'd blown numerous promises, she would understandably get tense in her voice and face while expressing her frustration. OK, so far this is pretty normal stuff for most marriages. But I could take it to new heights. I would criticize Ellyn for the way she got mad at me. I'd change the topic. The problem became her unreasonable way of expressing disappointment instead of my broken agreement. Doing this tricky psychological maneuver took absolutely no effort, thinking or planning on my part. Just pure instinct. The implication was that if she would just change the way she expressed her frustration the problem would be solved. Better yet, if she just had more patience, I would eventually get around to getting it done. Poor Ellyn, she was doomed if she got angry and doomed if she said nothing. Welcome to the crazy world of the passive aggressive partner. Although I wasn't a full fledged, card carrying passive aggressive personality, I had the qualifications to be an honorary member of the club. Want more help? Check out our audio workshop on passive aggressive partners. Here's a big secret about this problem. Passive aggressive behavior is a very difficult challenge for couples. The passive aggressive person is a pain to live with and very hard to change. Here's why. Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism.  Especially when they don't follow through with promises. Here's the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements. For example, I could blame my failure to complete agreements on ADD. Or I might say that I suffer from a condition of temporary and intermittent cognitive slippage (which is only a devious description of being lazy and forgetful). This is a problem that affects both partners, but in different ways. The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault and no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. “Jeez, I can't even empty the dishwasher right!” The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple. So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. 2. A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed which triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain. It becomes much easier for passive aggressive people to say what they don't want than what they do want. It's like running life's race with your shoelaces tied. But the frustration of living a life of pinched desires leaks out in being “obstructionistic” – to their spouse, therapist, boss, and anyone else that might have a say, or at least a suggestion, about what they should do. “I don't like anyone telling me what to do, including myself,” said Bill, who has a passive aggressive personality. This is not an easy mind-set for a spouse to live with. All in all nobody is happy. Passive aggressive behavior can show up in other subtle ways. Hard core passive aggressive people rarely initiate doing leisure joint activities, buying things, going places, celebrating special occasions, planning surprises, or giving compliments, and they often have a hard time buying gifts. So what can you do? This is a complex question with no easy answer. The solutions to this problem are extremely hard to summarize with the clarity and brevity required for a newsletter column. Next month I'll describe why passive aggressive behavior is a systemic problem and what both partners need to do. In the meantime, it should be some small comfort to understand some of the challenges and to recognize what you're dealing with.

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Mimdful
Mimdful

Nicely done enriches my mind with more ability to deal with all the day to day dificulty i face

DLC
DLC

Thank you for this article. I have been having problems with my spouse over similar things mentioned in your writing (tiny things that start a full blown fight, leaving both of us hurting, angry, and one of us sleeping on the couch). I felt my spouse had a more passive personality than I did and that was causing a lot of the tension. I tried looking through books, websites, and articles for advice. I hoped that I could bring some of the terms and explanations to his attention so that we could hash things out easier, but most of the things I find about passivity or passive aggression sounds too extreme. They talk about how our partner secretly delights in the stress they cause, how they will take out credit cards in our name, run up the balance and leave us with the bill; things that to the average person (with a SLIGHT passive tendency) sound ridiculous. You gave me something to work with that is a normal everyday application, something that sounds non-threatening. And for that I thank you.

Godchild
Godchild
Reply to  DLC

I do know taking a credit card in anybody’s name without consent is criminal and can be tracked. This is the age of Big brother. So any fool dumb enough to do something so stupid to mar their future instead of getting a job even part-time is a real jackhole.

Robert
Robert
Reply to  Godchild

Wrap my strong legs around him neck and squeez

Christina
Christina
Reply to  DLC

They do delight in the stress they cause. That’s why its relentless.

Ambrosia
Ambrosia
Reply to  Christina

I’ve got on that is Narcissistic on top of that it’s a living nightmare

EMP
EMP
Reply to  Christina

My partner is just like this. I have actual goosebumps after suffering for 3 years. She does enjoy getting under my skin. It shows in a lot of what she does, but most clearly in the way that she pokes and tickles me every single day, usually when I’m resting or resting.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Christina

That to me is So f—ing. Foreign for my own behavior but what I have suspected for years in my spouse. His critical mum was the same way. Life is way too short to play mind games and yet here we are! I am direct, probably to a fault. I much prefer to hear reality and then we can deal with it. My spouse has Actually said he does Not say his own truth, just what people want to hear. How manipulative is that? !! Also shows the planning involved. Help! I am so glad to find this site. Thank you!

Ambrosia
Ambrosia
Reply to  Clarabelle

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Brad
Brad
Reply to  Clarabelle

He’s been ridiculed for his own truth, not manipulative. People often ask questions that they won’t like the answer to.

Angie
Angie
Reply to  Clarabelle

I am the “crazy” one because I am a woman who stands up, speaks out, you know where you stand with me. I am a mother of 3 adult daughters and a grandma of 2 granddaughters. I’m 47 yo. Just to be clear I’m proud of who I am, my dad raised me to be just as Smart if not “Schmarter” then the “Boys” I can talk cars, racing, HOCKEY!! I also love mani/pedi’s and paying for my own drinks. I didn’t have to and hated when drinks “showed” up at the table. Great…what’s the expectation. Omg he bought me a drink so now he thinks he can sit at my table. WRONG…I just read what I wrote and laughed. I sound like a bitter single or divorced woman. I have been with my husband since we were 15. So 32 years. It would make both our lives so much easier if I was a dumb or stupid “Girl” unfortunately my egotistical, macho, “crazy” dad decided his daughter (me) should be just as strong if not stronger then the boys!!! Great, how’s that working out, you ask? Not well!!! My adult male cousins are to weak to have a conversation with me. So they try to put me down, demean me, joke about me being just a “Girl” So Sad, However their dad, my “Uncle” is the weakest man I’ve ever been around. Why is it up to me (a STRONG Woman) to dumb it down in order for the fragile male ego to survive. My husband used to be proud and would tell anyone who’d listen how strong, smart and beautiful his wife was. Now he is argumentative, picks verbal fights. Tries to act like I don’t know what I’m talking about. He asked…I answered. If I’m not 99% sure I’m right, I’ll say I’m 99% sure but I could be wrong. He knows I don’t throw down unless I am 100% sure I have all the facts. Now…when I am right, he will fight to the death knowing I know what i know. I can now see how fragile he is. So to my point if I was “DUMB” life would be much easier. For him 💜💜

Annamae
Annamae
Reply to  Angie

I totally feel you. You should be proud and thankful you were raised strong. I am strong minded, opinionated and not “crazy” (they love to use that one to shut us up). My husband was the same. So proud to be married to a badass feminist. Now when he doesn’t get his way or Indisagree with him about something, I “hate men.” Hebisnsonoassife aggressive our marriage with sneaky after 16 years and he has flat out stated he won’t do therapy. I can’t fix this marriage alone. And he also will constantly say I threaten to leave when we fight so I have to assure him constantly I’m not abandoning him. After 16 years! His mother was extremely abusive and I pay the price. I’ve done therapy myself numerous times over the years and fix what I can and try to control what I can’t. It still not good enough. I do therapy speak. I feel… he just flat out says “you always” “you never” and I can’t even call him out on it without a fight. I’m exhausted.

Liv
Liv
Reply to  Angie

You go girl!! I’m in the exact same position. I was raised to be self-reliant, smart, educated, I have lots of ideas and opinions. I am a strong woman. I take care of the entire house and I also do all the yard work , because my husband chooses not to. I’ve got a husband who smokes too much weed, thinks he works hard, but that would be between his napping on the couch and when he’s not doing that he’s leaving mess is all over. He never listens to anything I have to say even though he knows I know what I’m talking about. He will start terrible arguments over the stupidest things, usually because I’m asking him to do something. Because of his narcissistic passive aggressive behavior, he considers it an order and God forbid anyone told him what to do! He will cuss and call me every name in the book. I just shake my head and laugh at him. of course I know he’s verbally abusive but I also live in California, have a nice house and I’m not giving it up ! He’s just a disrespectful, weak scared little boy. Being a strong woman, I focus on making myself happy, I will do the things I enjoy in life, I will live life to the fullest, and I will not waste a moment of it on a pathetic, disrespectful man child.

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Liv

It is like you are describing my life. I am currently pregnant after suffering two miscarriages (one ectopic) and also help my father who has cancer taking him to all his appts and chemo treatments. So my plate is already full emotion wise. I also take care of all the chores in the house including laundry, yard work, cooking dinner most nights, mowing and weed whacking as well as creating and maintaining all the landscaping. I am proud of the home we have built together, and I want to maintain that. Most days I routinely complete my chores and don’t bat and eye. We have bought a fixer upper to which he has done all the renovations, which I helped with every step of the way. However since he feels he has done the renovations he feels like he has done enough apparently. I ask him to help me sometimes to empty to dishwasher if he has an extra minute or to atleast rotate laundry to keep the house chores moving along smoothly. Simple tasks to also help me as I also have a full time job.. which he does too. But he comes home and does nothing except work on his hobbies. Even though I’ve asked him already three times to please complete a task. I don’t want to be the “nagging house wife” so sometimes I’m afraid to ask and just bite my tongue and forget about it. But sometimes I voice my frustration and say I wish I had time to to read a book or to draw (my favorite hobbies) to which he becomes very passive aggressive saying things like we’re in the long haul together and hope this isn’t the way it’s gonna be or he’ll be ‘miserable’ – his words exactly, or “you’re so mean, you need to relax we don’t live in a museum”. He will also include that I’m lucky to have him and most husbands don’t have his skill of carpentry which I’m sure is true he’s very talented. But he uses that as a weapon against me. I try to stay positive and beat to my own drum but it’s hard sometimes to keep up a good morale. I’m glad I’m not alone and found this today. He’s aggressively mowing the lawn currently, and stonewalling me from a more recent argument. I asked him to please not smoke weed in the house as it is triggering my nausea/morning sickness, but he thinks if he opens a window that it’s ok. That shit stinks when you have a super pregnant nose and it just wafts through the whole house anyway. I told him at least he can get high the least he can do is move his ass 10 steps outside. Stay strong to who ever else is going through this annoying behavior to say the least. Girl power!!

Lov
Lov
Reply to  Anonymous

Oh my gosh, it sounds like our men are twins!! I can’t stand it when mine smokes weed after I’ve spent the day cleaning the house, mopping and spraying my favorite room freshener, in he walks smelling like a freaking ashtray! These type of men also will turn any tiny menial thing into an argument, and then turn it around on you, so you’re now the bad person. I don’t even play into that bs anymore I’ll just walk away, if they don’t have any fuel for the fire it deflates them and can make them think about their childish, disrespectful, immature behavior. Plus you just don’t have to listen to their shit ! I’m older now with two grown kids so it’s way easier. I do a lot of things on my own with friends, I’m very active, I hike and bike, take a walk on the beach… but when I was younger as you are with young kids, it was hell!!. As I’ve gotten older I am thankful for the life we have built and the things I have BUT their behavior takes a toll on you. I no longer have any respect for him or love, I pity him for the way he must feel inside to be so nasty and aggressive, he’s also not healthy or active. It can’t feel good to have lived your life that way. Hang in there it’s gonna be tough at times but try to be strong but remember if it’s not worth it and if you have the means get rid of him! they don’t change or get better with age! Make yourself happy that’s all that counts for the short time we have on this earth, enjoy it .

MrsBalta
MrsBalta

I have been dealing with my spouses behavior for 12 years it was up until I was looking for sites on signs the marriage was over I ran across passive aggressive behavior, that I see exactly who my husband is. I thought he was just purely evil and didn’t love me anymore. Now that I havr a better insight on his mind and tactics, I now after 12 years understand how to deal with him and open his eyes to how he has been abusive. He is a little calmer and surprised that I found him out. I’m not going to let my guard down, because I know as they say they are very difficult to change if never. Thanks for your research and help.

Angie
Angie
Reply to  MrsBalta

I know the answer but it may help. Get to the point and become a little like him and don’t care as much and you will find out he will care more and become a little more like you. I have the exact situation and it has worked for me.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Angie

Angie, thank you for sharing a success tip. We all need those. I don’t want to get divorced but I also don’t enjoy being made out as the “bad guy” to my kids or to have to “walk on eggs” to avert their delicate feelings. What about our feelings? Yes, we Do Count. If we take more care of us and Our feelings, we will all be better off regardless of the PA ( or (RPA: royal pain in the … JK). 😊

Mona
Mona
Reply to  Clarabelle

I am here after a particularly bad episode. A small thing that turned into a full blown out fight. I was made to feel like I am wrong for reacting to his actions. We eventually came to a conclusion that we both could’ve handled it better. That was 2 days ago. He is perfectly fine with everyone around us but when it comes to me it is very evident he is very cold. Over the last 2 days I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he is not angry but continues to show me is he is angry in passive ways. We have been married for 7 years and this has always been the case. I feel so isolated when he does this. I constantly feel I need to walk on eggshells around him for him to not get angry and treat me this way. I also want to add that when things are good, he is quite nice to me, but is it wrong for me to expect consistency in good and bad times? I cannot discuss this with family or friends, because they always brush it off saying “he is such a good guy. I am sure he does not mean to hurt you”. I feel so alone and stuck in times like these.

Liv
Liv
Reply to  Mona

He is not a good guy if he treats you that way and your friends and family have no idea what goes on behind closed doors so of course that’s why they’re saying he’s a good guy. Mine does the same thing. I’ve been married going on 30 years, feels like 130!! . The older I’ve gotten I’ve learned that it doesn’t mean shit, they’re not going to change, they’re insecure and have issues. Please don’t feel isolated, it’s happening to 80% of married couples nowadays! you’re a strong woman, do not let him have any power over you or the happiness in life that you deserve. If he’s gonna act like a nasty, abusive little man child ignore him,who needs it. Go for a walk, go to a coffee shop, relax listen to some live music…there are so many things to do in life that you will enjoy. I bought myself a bike, I’ll ride 10 miles a day now , it makes me feel happy, I feel healthy, it’s exhilarating to be out in nature. Any man who treats another human being let alone a woman like that needs to grow up and doesn’t deserve a good woman by his side.

Christina
Christina
Reply to  Angie

Nietzche said to be careful when battling monsters that you do not become a monster yourself. I don’t want to behave like them for anything in the world.

Mrconfused
Mrconfused
Reply to  MrsBalta

Are you still together now??

LuAnn
LuAnn
Reply to  Mrconfused

If not, she should’ve. That is no way to live. I’m living this nightmare and for financial reasons can’t leave at the moment. And the behavior makes it really hard to get a foothold as well. I’m wondering what she means by “I now understand how to deal with him and open his eyes to how he’s been abusive.”
I mean, you can talk and talk and talk, and he or she might even act like they’re listening and seem to feel bad about it. But in my experience, they still don’t and won’t ever change. It’s not really about you but that doesn’t make it better either because for you, it is kind of about you… because it effects your life. And if they’re passive aggressive with finances then that can prove to be really dangerous.

Eve
Eve
Reply to  LuAnn

Ohhh I am so living this! I have little hope left that anything will change and m planning my escape. Although his sabotage and passive aggressive behaviors with our business and finances makes it incredibly difficult to have time to work on anything for myself. He puts on such a good show for others saying what they need to hear and acting so easy going.. ugh if they only knew!

Belle
Belle
Reply to  LuAnn

Oh yes! Passive aggressive with finances…my husband owned a business and never paid Payroll Withholding! It cost us thousands to keep him out of prison. Twenty years later his behavior towards me is accepting in negative ways and my health isn’t great. I’m so stuck.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  LuAnn

Thank LuAnn. I agree. I had No debt, owned my car outright, and was much more independent Before I married my husband. I had no idea of the Roller-Coaster of life and dangerous finances ahead to feed his ego that I would endure. I have found a counselor (multi PhD) who has dealt with passive -aggressive people for many decades and he finds them very difficult. If He finds them tough, of course the rest of us will have a tough time with them as well. I appreciate you and your input. Thank you for posting.

Eve
Eve
Reply to  Clarabelle

Also me, but I haven’t managed to make it to counseling yet. But I have started looking. Grateful to have found this forum!

Stacey A.
Stacey A.
Reply to  LuAnn

LuAnn, I am in that exact boat. With just another ugly episode last night, I was looking online for similarities to what I was going through and found this blog. I have always lived on my own and supported myself until I got remarried, which I had never planned to do, and then Bam this economy has left me stuck. I don’t want to fail at this marriage but I also don’t want to be fighting a losing battle and be unhappy. I wondered how you have been doing since you posted your comment. Hope you are well.

Freya
Freya

Thank you for the smplicity of this, and the perspective. I’ve been looking for an understanding of what’s been happening in my relationship and I’ve found it. Next question, for me, is why I’ve attracted it…

Ed
Ed
Reply to  Freya

I also have wondered why I attractive p/a people. Twice now, I have got burned by these people. It seems they can sense we have a helpful nature and we make an excellent prey for them to lease out their “stuff” on us. Perhaps we ourselves have an somewhat dependent way and we look for a soft place to land? Another thought, a taker can always smell a giver.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Ed

Ed and everyone… I can see myself So Much in each of your stories. My spouse is in AA which I have often thought he’d be happier (and probably me too) if he was married to another AA member. The level of manipulation is devastating. I spoke recently to a therapist who called me an “empath”. At first , I thought that meant I was great at reading other peoples’ needs and meeting those needs. Sound familiar? He went on to explain it’s not just about the gift of being so perceptive and intuitive… the problem arises when we empaths meet others’ needs and Forsake our own needs. At the expense of our needs… He clarified an empath can be the ultimate “Co- dependent Emotionally”. Ouch. I have a lot to work on. I’m at this point just trying to improve me and regain some independence. Best regards to each of you. 😊

Rainie
Rainie
Reply to  Ed

Me too

Catherine
Catherine

I am also dealing with a passive aggressive husband and it is truly driving me crazy. He loves to look like the calm cool collective man that he is not especially when all the kids and their spouses come home. I have been married for close to 35 years!!! I just don’t think I can take it any longer. Divorce is not an option, but going insane isn’t either. From the 2nd year of marriage I have asked him to go with me to counseling….He will NOT do it cause there is nothing wrong with him! I am the only one with a problem. I have gone to couseling myself and it does help me to cope. He says one thing and does another…..he procrastinates…he never asks me before he turns the oven off (ruins the dinner), or puts the clothes in the dryer (shrinks clothes), hides items from me, does everything the opposite of how I ask him to do it….says he can do it anyway he wants. Yikes!! It is worse then having a child or an out of control animal in the house. If I set something in a certain place in my home, in my room…etc…..he will change everything. And when I can’t find it or when I am angry he gets such a smirk on his face…..I feel like I am in a never ending nightmare!

Eve
Eve
Reply to  Catherine

My husband does many of the same things at home! But he also does this in our business. The business that I never wanted & he insisted I help him with. He has now decided that he doesn’t like it( because it’s way more work than he thought). He also now absolutely resents me for being good at running and building the business. He uses it as a weapon against me regularly, completely ignoring protocol and policy, asking employees to do things outside of their job description and against my own policies. as well as threatening to sell it, or just quit and go be a store clerk. Complains that working w me makes him feel small. Yet when I tell him that I’m fine with him running everything, he tellls me he doesn’t want to learn and deal w all that bullshit! We have big bills and big debt . Him selling and becoming a store clerk of course would leave that all on me.

Paula
Paula
Reply to  Catherine

OMG..sounds exactly like my life. I thought for years he was just difficult but this is him!!!

Helen
Helen
Reply to  Catherine

Wow I think think that is my husband! Completely different person when around others. I can completely understand what you are going through.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Catherine

Catherine, oh dear! I am so sorry. 33 years of marriage… we could be twins separated at birth. I am sorry you are going through this as much as I am . I wouldn’t wish this on Anyone! I have found the more activities I do on my own, the happier my heart is. All the things you say your spouse does… my spouse ( his PA twin) does also. I keep my keys in my purse with Me. He used to open our individual car’s sun roofs ( even after I repeatedly forbade him to touch my keys or my car) and he would “forget “ the sunroofs were open… even when it rained. He actually totaled a sports car because of all the electrical damage he caused. Wasteful and Childish! If something is not to Directly benefit him, it holds no interest for him. I wish I had answers for you. Hopefully knowing it is Not you and you are Not alone Helps. I pray we all find a better place or at least understanding where we are appreciated and not abused or neglected or ignored. This is Suppose to be a Relationship.. which means we are suppose to be relating. Not given empty promises.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Catherine

I have the same things that you have written he moves things he knows I like a curtain way why I don’t know just to annoy I suppose , I’ve had the oven turned off as well when the food wasn’t cooked , it is one great big nightmare that you can never wake up from I feel for everyone who is going through the same situation .

Kerri
Kerri
Reply to  Jane

My husband has thrown a lot of my belongings away and when I confront him he either denies it or tells me I didn’t need it. He is NEVER wrong and when he is and I tell him, he starts yelling, swearing and tells me it’s me that’s wrong. Divorce is not an option but I wish it were.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Jane

Ditto. Your experience is shared. Thank you for your post.

Bee
Bee
Reply to  Catherine

Im sorry I have a husband like that I feel for you. Mine, he is hard of hearing & has used that as a tool when he wants to. I feel like Im die-ing, the stress is killing me, I cant say anything, if I do he yells, then he complains I don’t talk to him?😳 I am so tired of being yanked around, He changes like the wind, like some else commented its worse then dealing with a bad child. I feel physically drained & to my wits end. Ive tried everything the gambit to help him understand or work things out but obviously he doesn’t want that he enjoys the upheaval, the stress the yelling, he has tantrums & likes to make big scenes, Ive come to the conclusion he’s sick, a p/a narcissist with explosive intermittent behavior and the worse part is I feel the same way that he preyed on me. The terrible thing is being married to him for forty years, the Bible says at Proverbs 13:20 that:”He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” I have no one to blame but myself, I chose wrong apparently. I know Im not perfect & I have numerous faults myself, but I try, I try to get along. We separated, it was wonderful! I felt like a weight was lifted off my back, the house felt airier & lighter, but he ended up having a evolving heart attack & moved back home & with in no time everything went spiraling backwards again.. sometimes & I probably shouldn’t say this but I wish I could just die then Id at least get away & have peace. Only Id miss my only Grandgurl who is a epileptic & needs me. Thank you for letting me vent & God Bless you all..🙏

Dolores Evola
Dolores Evola
Reply to  Bee

Exactly in your situation and have a son with special needs . I wish I would die too but I have a son that needs me . I’m so tired .

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Bee

Bee, Bless You for sharing. Please don’t wish to die. The universe or God doesn’t hear sarcasm. I used to think the same thing. We had a house fire started by an inept HVAC guy. Initially I was crushed not only by the shock of the fire or temporarily losing my house and having to move during rebuild; my PA spouse went outside and Only looked after his safety during the fire. My son and I along with our dogs and fosters were inside. My husband had no issue leaving us behind. Mind Blown!😵‍💫😱. I had no idea of his level of PA and narcissistic core. The guys who “rebuilt” our house messed it up and grew mold. I got sick and nearly died several times while in the hospital for 3 months. It messed up my immune system wand I am still recovering with surgeries ahead of me. So Please don’t wish to die to solve all this mess. All I can hold firmly to is God Does have a Purpose for Each of us. Maybe to support others going through the same stuff? Whom else would understand? Without walking in Our shoes? God Also Loves Us! This is not our home. When I was in the hospital some of the medical staff would ask, “ why you”. I always felt… Why Not me. We are SURVIVORS. For whatever reason this is our lot. We can choose to accept and make the best of it. Or we can try to help others and in turn we are helped. God Bless You Bee! You are a child of God. You are Loved. Whatever you need, Ask. Our prayers do get answered. Sometimes by what we need, not what we want. 💖

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Bee

I feel your pain Bee it’s only financial reasons I’m just hanging in there he is disrespectful to me and could make trouble in an empty room and still blame me for everything .

Anon
Anon
Reply to  Bee

This is my situation exactly. My life is played out throughout this list of comments. I feel calmed knowing it’s not my isolated problem..there are hundreds of PANs out there, I too am in my mid 60’s and retirement is ruined by the constant yelling, negativity and control. He used to work away and I felt I was missing out on life having to do everything on my own…but now I realise how lucky I was. It’s twice as hard now he’s home all day. He’s a perfectionist with OCD and I just dont come up to his standards. I suffer badly from anxiety and cringe when he starts yet another row over something trivial, he lets rip and the neighbours must hear it all…I feel so vulnerable but I get great comfort from praying and turn to God whenever I need him.

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Anon

Anon, Bless You! Prayer creates Miracles if only to allow us to live on another day. God does give Comfort. I am right there with you in your struggles. Interesting we found this blog. Thank God for that. I so understand when my husband traveled and I was so expected to and Was the single parent even though he lived in the same home. I used to stay up until wee hours cleaning house or preparing my children’s clothes or whatever to keep the family functioning or do I thought. He was totally absent even when here. Now he travels so much less and I realize him being gone Was my sanity. You are so right, underfoot is worse. I’m 64. Unemployed right now due to health issues. I do believe we frequently get sick physically because of the emotional black hole that sucks all our energy from our spirit. Thank God we can refill it in praise and prayer. That is frequently my sanity nowadays. Bless you.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Anon

When it was time for my husband to retire I felt so depressed at the thought now he has retired I was right to be depressed it’s a nightmare he is spoiling my retirement I carnt relax and do anything that he doesn’t spoil , he never wants me to enjoy anything birthdays Christmas etc never wants to give me a present although I give him one and other members of my family , he causes arguments over trivial issues and hates it when he fails at anything he carnt do and I get blamed for that as well . We have to look after our own mental wellbeing and forget there’s like they have done to ours , one day one of us will need the help of the other one I just hope it’s not me needing help from him .

Clarabelle
Clarabelle
Reply to  Jane

Amen. They are not good caregivers. Infact I think it makes them cringe to think of giving of self to anyone or anything. Especially spouse or family. Unless it’s for Show. Uggghh. Let’s take care of us. We deserve Great things in our lives. We Are lovable and we do know how to love. Look what we have endured. It can’t be for nil.

Cathy
Cathy
Reply to  Bee

Praying for you 🙏🏾

Rene
Rene
Reply to  Catherine

Get out!

Rainie
Rainie
Reply to  Rene

Yes, I agree, leave him or get him out. Your life will be so much more airier, peaceful and wonderfully simple. Please do not think of death as an opportunity of a way out, your Granddaughter needs you so much and the rest of your family who love you. Ive not had a easy life either. But my Sis-in-laws Beautiful Sister got divorced a few years ago. She brightened every room, had 3 beautiful older teen boys, who loved her so much. Had a great job and life with so many friends. Yet before Christmas without anyones knowledge of her unhappiness, she in her early 50’s took her own life. We are a very close family. My own Mother is 80, she couldn’t or wouldn’t go to her funeral as she didn’t want to ruin the day by crying. I told my mum the day previous to her funeral that I didn’t want to go either as I suffer from severe depression. My Mum said she wished she cud come with me. Where my courage came from, Ive no idea, maybe because I knew I had to for the sake of my Mum. I went and thankfully I done well, obviously knowing our family and her family needed me. Everyone in her life is heartbroken, never ever think that is the way out, just get him out of your life and in time you will be so thankful that the best decision you ever made for not just yourself but for all your loving family. Ive 3 kids, I separated from my narcissistic husband 10 years ago but should have done it much sooner. I hope and pray that you reach the point an realise you, your family are much more important than one person who willingly wants to hurt you. It’s only one person and without him you will begin in time to love yourself & your life again. I wish you well & I pray that you find the courage to remove him from your life.

David Boggess
David Boggess
Reply to  Catherine

I feel your pain. I have a girlfriend of a year that has been this way for a year. I try to tell her with boundaries and respect then I have to yell it seems. She acts like she is calm but she hides all her stuff inside and acts it out. By doing weird things. I say please don’t put the totes in the back of the truck I will do that because I’m a better organizer. But I understand that how they play pretend and then do all the opposites that you ask. Even forget things, and not do what you ask, or give you something other then you want. Then want praise for making lunch. It gets complicated forsure.

Rainie
Rainie
Reply to  David Boggess

David Boggess, not sure what others are thinking but my thoughts are you are the p/a narcissist who wants everything your way or no way. I truly fell sorry for you girl friend. Seriously, you dont allow a person you love to put totes in truck cause u can do it it better as well as the other things you criticise her, your girlfriend who I would assume is a girl who loves or loved you. Re-read your own story, to me you sound like a total control freak. If I made a lunch for my kids and husband an he complained that he wanted something else, which happened to me for a very long time, I’d remove you from my life as I did with ex, but I tried to hide his emotional and mental abuse for much longer than I should’ve. I feel sorry for that girl and hope she’s well rid of you now

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Catherine

Catherine, without risking those who would call me a Bible Thumper, may I say first that I can totally relate to everything everyone is going through on here, and may I say that I have been married 52 years. My situation with my own husband is a bit different, and totally private, but he has been not dealing with some issues in his life for a very long time, and is into “escapist” behavior. Nothing immoral, just too much into tv shows, or ignoring the family at times, you know just being mentally unavailable….but he can also be guilty of the p/a behavior as well. What has helped me tremendously is my Faith in God and my Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ. Christ has shown me how to see the problems, not to dislike the person, but how to be the kind of person that will “enhance” my husband’s life, and to pray for “him”. Wasn’t easy at first, but when I began to see some really great, positive changes in Him, I thanked God for it, you know. And yes, women save yourselves. Do what you can to be a good wife, but save yourself. Get involved in activities and with people that have positive vibes, you know. And when things get really trust, pray. It works. God Bless You All. It DOES get better. Day at a time, right?

Nunyaboznazz@gmail.com
Nunyaboznazz@gmail.com
Reply to  Catherine

He said that since the second year of marriage you have had this problem with him and that you have been with him for over 35 years. Honestly, you sound like you are not very smart and have not learned your lesson. Clearly you are still allowing him to talk to you that way, and every time you do you grant him permission saying it’s okay to talk to you this way. Time to stand up for yourself, because clearly after over 35 years, at the time of this comment, you clearly haven’t been stepping up.

Bee
Bee

🤔 Are you Catherine’s husband? W0W😳 talk about being insensitive… I hope counseling isn’t your forte. Being direct is good but W0W!

Nunyaboznazz@gmail.com
Nunyaboznazz@gmail.com
Reply to  Catherine

“Divorce isn’t an option”. #1 reason marriage is an absolute waste and a trap. Imagine had you not, you could simply feel free to leave this obviously infantile creature. But wait. Nothing is stopping you, is there? What would stop you from leaving? I mean, I have a hard time believing that you were able to procreate with what is obviously a child. If anything, that calls into question what you might be into, madam.

Christina
Christina

Oh look the narcissists have arrived in full force. No one cares what you think. Leave this lady alone. Marriage might mean nothing to you but its sacred to decent people.

Carol Yates
Carol Yates
Reply to  Catherine

You totally described my life and my husband perfectly. I insisted on marriage counseling 12 years ago. What a waste! Every single appointment was the same as the first, like starting over from scratch.

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Catherine

Sounds like my husband. I am ready to choke him out!!! He drives me nuts!!! And, on top of everything else, he has ADHD!!! Lord help me!!!

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Anonymous

You just hit on the exact entity that will help you…The Lord!

Susanne
Susanne
Reply to  Catherine

Although my husband doesn’t do exactly the things you mentioned your husband does, my husband seems to enjoy my not being happy about certain things. I have learned not to respond so he doesn’t know. Isn’t that a great way to live? No, I probably won’t seek a divorce but I certainly pray a lot! And through that, I have learned to survive and be happy. Not happy with the relationship! But happy in spite of it. It ain’t easy, I know. It’s nice to get support just hearing what other people are going through but still sorry to hear it.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Susanne

God Bless you, Susanne. You’re working on your marriage and deciding that you cannot control another person’s behavior. And yes, prayer will do more for your relationship than anything. I’m not against counseling, and have done that as well. But prayer is POWERFUL and WORKS!!!

Nunyaboznazz@gmail.com
Nunyaboznazz@gmail.com
Reply to  Susanne

You’re just as much of a problem as the original poster. You are quite literally allowing these people to do this and get away with it. You are giving them permission and allowing it to continue. On top of this, you’re dumb enough to pray and think that it does anything other than placebo effect. This is exactly why abusers are able to do what they do.

DunkinCrisps
DunkinCrisps

You sound passive aggressive

Christina
Christina

Begone demon, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
You have no power here. Your time is short and you are angry just as Scripture foretold.
You are of your father the devil who was a murderer from the beginning. He is the father of lies and there is no truth in him. When you speak you speak in his character- nothing but damnable lies.

Rene
Rene

I totally agree with you

CryptoPrincess
CryptoPrincess

I normally would of agreed with you on not letting a toxic abuser get away with it, but after living through it as a victim myself recently, I learned that there is no changing someone like that unless they get therapy. Luckily for me, I did not have a lot of time invested in the relationship and got out. She is married to her abuser and Im sure she’ll leave the relationship once its right for her.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady

To name call Susanne or anyone who is going through difficulties in their relationship is just totally unfair. Susanne has found that prayer works in her situation. I have found it immensely helpful in mine. No one is saying that YOU have to adopt a faith or pray if you choose not to. And you are misreading those who choose to work within their marriages to make them work. No one is saying that disrespectful or passive aggressive behavior is acceptable. We are just acknowledging that certain situations can trigger this behavior and trying to understand the person we cohabitate with. That is far from being dumb, in fact, to take the time to care and to pray and to analyze behavior is anything but.

Nunya
Nunya
Reply to  Moonlight Lady

Wow the Bible thumber, whent full PA right there.

Rene
Rene
Reply to  Moonlight Lady

That’s all true but, what about liking yourself enough not to be continually abused. Whether it’s physical or emotional, it’s still abuse and no one should live like that.

Prof
Prof
Reply to  Rene

Can we just get something straight here. Abusive men do not go for weak little women, they go for strong, independent smart ones. So much better to knock them down, a better challenge. It takes one person to abuse, just one and it’s a choice they make. It’s very hard and dangerous to leave a truly abusive relationship and people who comment like that haven’t got a clue. They make it so much worse.

Bee
Bee
Reply to  Rene

No they shouldn’t but believe it or not its not going to make a difference what anyone says or shames them. That usually causes a person with these types of problems to with draw…Don’t you think if they have enough sense to acknowledge & write about it that they have a inclination of whats up & going on? Maybe they just need validation or a kind listening ear rather than critical words or harsh judgment. Theres a lot to be said for trying to walk a mile in another’s shoes! Understandably your angry & upset of the injustice that is happening but again you attrack more ants to honey, kindness sympathy & empathy go a lot further & a longer way then becoming combative, isn’t that what going on to begin with? What started this blog conversations?

Dusty
Dusty
Reply to  Catherine

I’ve been married for 35 years to a passive aggressive spouse. For 27 years I knew something was wrong in the marriage, but I thought it was all my fault. I thought I must be asking wrong. 8 years ago, I learned I had breast cancer. After 3 surgeries, chemo, and radiation, I am doing ok. When I was diagnosed, it became extremely clear to me that it was not my fault and that he was a passive aggressive spouse. He was never there for our children (never his fault) has never apologized for anything, if I ask him a question, he won’t answer. He’s now talking about retiring, and I am miserable. I’ve been a stay at home mom since 1984. I’m now 63 years old, and hate the thought of starting over at this age. Right now, my 89 year old mom is 1000 miles away and is having health issues. I’ve learned not to tell him anything because he will just come back and say it’s all my fault. Well, at least I feel better for venting. Still not sure what path to take – I really don’t enjoy doing activities with him any more. If we go somewhere, he won’t talk to me in the car at all, then when we get to the activity with friends, he is as charming as he can be. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him because he’s such a great guy. He’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!

Zoely
Zoely
Reply to  Dusty

I find your description to your partner “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” hilarious coz that’s how I call my husband.

heartbroken wife
heartbroken wife
Reply to  Dusty

I agree with the Jekyll and Hyde personality. People think my husband is friendly and sweet, but he’s the opposite at home to me. I call it booby trapping when my husband interferes with any project, meal or plans I make. He screws up things deliberately and then claims it’s not his fault. then when I get angry or upset he twists the situation to being my fault. I can’t leave either due to financial reasons. I just stay crazy in this marriage.

S L
S L

Hi dusty sorry to hear that – I hope you can get out. Pls find a way. I felt I should share my story on why you should get out. In the last I was married to a very evil passive aggressive narcissist in the past. He was truly pure evil. He started the relationship telling me all the things I wanted to hear… I wanted to get married and have a family ( he already had kids from his past marriage) and he told me he would be happy to do to all again but he never had any intentions – he lied to get what he wanted. What I didn’t realise early on as well is He deliberately wanted to control everything and me. He started causing conflict deliberately over anything he could in order to see me upset or get into an argument. It started subtly I now look back and remember the first time he stonewalled me and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong to make me feel bad and control me. I hadn’t done anything wrong but he gaslighted me. Then a few months later it happened again and and then again and before I knew it 3 years in he was doing it almost daily. He would continually gaslight and try and trick me into thinking things being all my fault. He would twist my words. He would even change my words, I recorded him once and I then knew he twisted everything. It got worse and worse, he would call me names and pick on my features , He would say anything to get a reaction. An example- I remember to demonstrate how pathetic it was….. we needed a new toaster as ours died and on the way to the shops out of nowhere he said he would pick it because I’m too dumb to buy a decent toaster. Another time on a road trip out of nowhere he said to me ” you don’t really care or have an appreciation for nature do you”…. I said sure I do what do you mean? And he said you don’t really have the intellect for it…. anything like this to start a fight or put me down – he did this especially as I’m in the car and can’t get away or go to another room – he trapped me…. it was his tactic and I stupidly took the bait. He would also act nicely in front of company and then stonewall me soon as we left or kept arguing – nothing ever got resolved because he didn’t want it to it was his way of controlling me. He would say nasty things about my friends and call them stupid. He tried to stop me from seeing them – thank god I didn’t . He would also do stuff like deliberately mutter things so I couldn’t hear him and tried to make me feel hard if hearing . What sort of person does this! He would make me feel bad about buying anything for myself even though I worked full time. It became financial abuse . He hid and moved things around the house to make me feel I was going crazy. when he stopped working he also did nothing around the house – wouldn’t even make dinner – he left it all to me to do and I stupidly did it. He got more and more verbally abusive as well to the point it was every day almost every hour he was attacking me …After 5 years I was so broken and we went for counselling – I just wanted the abuse to stop – I felt smothered. It didn’t help and I ended up in counselling for a solo session and the therapist said ” I don’t normally say this but I recommend you end the relationship – it’s not going to get better – he will never end it – it will continue, he then said “you are young and haven’t had children yet, you don’t have to have this life”. The next person you meet will be completely different…. it can be the one you share a home and life with . I was 29 at this stage and my husband was much older with kids from a previous marriage as mentioned. Anyhow Thank god for that therapist as I ended it right after that and my whole life changed. I started feeling happy and safe and strong and confident. I got all new furniture for the house after he took everything – I didn’t like most of it anyway as he controlled all the choices…. I spent time with my friends realised what a burden my constant sadness had been on them and how long they listened to my woes for and I realised they were my life savers. I thank them for my life. I then started doing better at work as was not crying every night. I could focus again. I started taking in the simple pleasures of life and feeling there was hope. Life became beautiful again. I then met a man a year later whom is now my husband and we have an 8 yr old son together whom we adore. We have a home and pets and we travel and he is my best friend. Life is too short to be with someone that delights in hurting their partner. Xx I’m 43 now and that hell I loved was from age 24-29 – I wasted precious years of my youth to that soul sucker….. never again xxx I hope my story can help others see you can’t change people like that. It’s a sickness in them.

Jane
Jane

It sounds like we are living with the same person , I feel for you it’s such a shame that people can’t be happy it’s a waste of life when we should be living in harmony with each other it’s just how someone people have grown up I suppose.

jewelz
jewelz

That’s me in a nutshell, and have referred to exactly that jeckle and hyde ..sweet as pie when I am compliant. The second I speak up about something no matter how soft handed I make it flow towards him, I get bitten with words that sting me for days. Then I’m depressed, I don’t trust him with my heart. I now find myself disassociating from him and not sharing anything with him because I don’t trust him with my heart because I feel guarded.

Trixie
Trixie
Reply to  Dusty

I’m finally out of that kind of marriage. I’m not okay but I’m paddling like a duck. My advice to you would be to care for your ailing mom and make it a permanent visit. I wouldn’t tell him that though. You will find that being absent will not make your heart grow fonder. Hope life gets better. By the way, I’m 56 years old. Learning to start over again. I like not walking on eggshells in a home where you can cut the tension with a knife.

Charlie
Charlie
Reply to  Trixie

You are my age and Im going through what you went through. I am convinced I’m on the right path because after 15 months apart I do not miss him and feel so much less stressed because I don’t have to deal with the daily eggshells. This morning he texted me to say he is going to get divorce papers done. This stresses me out and I’m back to my good old self again because I know he won’t put anyone but himself into consideration, especially not me and not our 4 kids who are adult now but are still affected by his self piteous ways, and subtle smearing on how “their mom can be”. He does not care about the 30 years that I managed to make a loving family. He will make them take sides because that’s how he works. It’s all games, and he needs to win, even at the expense of any of us. I’m so tired of being in survival mode for 30 yrs, I don’t have strength or desire to fight. To see you made it through and are on the other side is encourageing.

Terri
Terri
Reply to  Trixie

After 3 years of marriage and 3 years before of hell, I finally gave into my husband’s threat of moving out and said go! (nearly 2 months ago). I am 62 and it was the last thing I wanted, but since he has been gone, I’m a new person as well. It was the biggest blessing and I am free and happy and stress free and anxiety free and no more tension. Absence has NOT made the heart grow fonder and he is trying to reconcile and I keep saying I need more time. I am now in the driver’s seat in relation to my mental health and I am A OK. I hope this helps.

Val
Val
Reply to  Terri

Definitely helps. Thankyou. I too am suffering needlessly my husband has a passive aggressive behaviour.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Val

I’m in the same boat Val why us if you’re like me you know you don’t deserve to be treated like you mean nothing they are vampires after your happiness try not to let him get any I know it’s not easy .

Angie
Angie
Reply to  Terri

Why would you want him back you know what he is like.

Jo
Jo
Reply to  Dusty

My husband of nearly 40 years drives me nutzs. He retired a year ago and things are a whole lot worse.
Today at my wits end I told him that he is PAN.
passive aggressive narcissistic.
He is now sulking and being the victim…..again.
It’s impossible to have a conversation with him ????‍♀️
What starts out as something so small turns into an argument.
He has no respect for me , never says he is sorry. Well why would he. He is always right‼️
He has a mean streak in him. He goes from being human to a snake ???? attack.
Yep. That’s him.
Flip flop. Never know which one I am seeing till he shows me.
My kids never gave me this much trouble ‼️
They were well behaved well adjusted happy kids and adults. Thankfully hubby worked so they didn’t see any of this growing up ‼️
So fed up with him and how hard he is making my life. You would think at my age of 72 I wouldn’t have to deal with his pan.
Personally I think he is loving it ‼️

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Jo

Know what you mean .

Val
Val
Reply to  Jo

This is terrible I bieve you cause I’m suffering too. I am 69.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Val

I’m 67 I think our men don’t have any respect for anyone they are bored with their lot so they take it out on us .

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Jo

I am 70, and my husband is your age. I feel your pain. I go through similar things with my own. I have noticed that my husband improves immensely when he eats right, gets proper rest, and takes the time to do something he enjoys, like go to the driving range. I think what we have to realize is, that these old men we are married to, they just have no idea how their inattentiveness or their closed off behavior, or that switch, where they get frustrated and angry, can just break their wive’s hearts. We may not be able to do much about their behavior, but we can certainly avoid them when they are at their worst, and do all we can to save ourselves and our own sanity by becoming involved in things that make US happy, you know. God Bless You All, and I’ll pray for ALL.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Moonlight Lady

Yes I agree , some men never seem to find there place in retirement they have worked and now can’t find enough to do so they just get bad tempered with us I’m sure some men find plenty to do and they hopefully aren’t so bad tempered .

Val
Val
Reply to  Moonlight Lady

God bless you all too x used to think he was just insensitive to my feelings but I now know he has a passive aggressive personality and yes he can have attention deficit too

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Jo

If he has a mean streak in him he isn’t passive agressive. Passive agressive behavior is someone who appears very empathetic on the outside, but does things that display their anger. Like slamming cupboards and dishes, acting non affectionate, doing things they KNOW drive you crazy, undermining you constantly, lying about big decisions you made together and decided on long ago and when confronted they play the victim and act as if you’re crazy. I’ve been dealing with my passive agressive wife and its making be blow up in anger. Its evil to the core and evilly destructive.

Val
Val
Reply to  Anonymous

I feel for you. I try to ignore my husband and not let him hurt my feelings when he shouts at me not just indoors but outside too and he just does it because he knows it hurts and upsets me. He can turn on a sixpence and I can’t understand what I’ve done wrong!!

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Val

You won’t have done anything wrong it’s them

Lol
Lol
Reply to  Anonymous

You are describing my life and marriage. Especially doing the things they know drive you crazy and lying about decisions and plans we made together. For the longest time i have wondered how it is possible that i have asked him not to do certain things millions of times, and he still does them, is it because he forgets or because he simply does not care but now i realize its because he gets pleasure from it. And the realization makes me feel paranoid and crazy

Eve
Eve
Reply to  Lol

This! My husband always says he forgot. And then acts injured and like I am crazy and unreasonable when I ask him if he really forgot because I have asked him to not do that or please remember this so many times!

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Lol

Oh boy I could have written this myself especially the bit how you have asked him not to do certain things and he still does them I’m sure my husband does that because he’s getting pleasure from it too l wish I could meet someone else like his first wife did and then dump him I’m not a nasty person but I can’t keep being treated like I don’t matter ,I don’t deserve to be treated like this from someone who has no manners or respect for me .

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Lol

This last bit about him “getting pleasure from it” pretty much tallies up the total futility of dealing with him on any level. This person is AN ASSHOLE. These types are intentionally destructive to their partners physiological health and they’re utterly insidious. I equate it to a total lack of love in their hearts.

Kassandra
Kassandra
Reply to  Anonymous

You nailed it

kim
kim
Reply to  Dusty

Sounds just like my husband too!!!!

Rene
Rene
Reply to  kim

Here I thought I was married to a special kind of ass, but sounds like most men are made from the same cloth. All the years I worked in a nursing home, the conclusion was that the women lost their minds (because of the men) and the mens bodies were ruined, because of the women.

Dawn Probert
Dawn Probert
Reply to  Dusty

Reading this everything is the same with my husband. Absolutely everything. I have been married 24yrs and with him about 30yrs. I’m at a loss what to do with him hes so angry as well most of the time. Never complimentary about me, constantly lying. Will never move when he’s at home. Some small argument turns into something major in he walks out the house and sleeps in the car. So not normal. then when I get worked up he smirks. on top of all this he is verbally abusive. I have been called all the names you can think of. he is also a taker and i’m a giver. he as no empathy towards me at all. I collapsed once whilst at home he walked over me and went to work. Nothing from him all day. He turned around and said to me why should I help you we had been arguing. This to me is horrendous behaviour. Cope by doing your own thing and count them out of the equasion. You won’t change them because everything is everyone else’s fault. Look into their family there will probably be mental health issues within people in it.

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Dawn Probert

if he’s verbally abusive he isn’t passive agressive, he just has anger issues. Passive agressive people are very calm natured.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Anonymous

Sorry, but passive aggressive people are NOT always calm natured.

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Anonymous

No correlation whatsoever beyond the confines of your own beliefs. The one can absolutely coexist with the other, and it often does. Anyone who thinks that mean angry people can’t be absolutely passive aggressive as well, is either working with just one particular “sample” person, who just so happens to not “appear passive aggressive”, or, and more likely, they just need to get out more!
It should also be firmly understood, that many passive aggressive types have been mastering their passive aggressive behaviors throughout their lives. It can be extremely hard to recognize on the receiving end… and there is so often cognitive dissonance involved as they’re masters of the mind game and “plausible deniability”.
Toxic persons come in all stripes, and comorbidity of personality disorders is the rule more than the exception. You don’t need to diagnose them, because naming which stripe they are is not that important. What is important is this… If you’re feeling hurt and confused, and your gut is telling you that something is wrong, but you can’t seem to put your finger on it…. And this isn’t just a one off but it’s long term dynamic sort of thing…. Then “YOU” are probably “In Play” with a toxic partner. You will be undermined, especially psychologically. Your needs will be minimized and denied systematically over time. Your expectations will be “managed down to below zero”. But… please do not make the mistake of thinking that passive aggressive behavior is not malignant at the core. By it’s very nature, passive aggression is covert and underhanded with bad intentions. “Aggression” wouldn’t even be part of the term if meanness and anger weren’t in play. A person with love in their heart and who has a conscience, good will and good intentions, does NOT behave in such unhealthy and unproductive ways. The healthy loving respectful person is going to appreciate and seek win win outcomes, especially in their primary relationship. Passive aggressive behavior is the exact opposite of caring, considerate, respectful behavior. You can literally tabulate it out to a person in relation”shit” who wants power and control and who must win at all costs and subversive manipulative covert underhanded maneuvers are the tool of choice for these malignant malicious ones. They win. You lose. Great relationship right? And they can always deny deny deny insinuating that you are crazy if you call them on it and flip the script and blame shift and well, don’t even get me started on the menagerie of bullshit mindfuckery they’ll unleash to psychologically derail you. Ultimately resorting to attack screaming veins bulging in your face bullying intimidation behavior. That right there is just evil coming out, and that’s their last card. You will be denied your truths, shocked into silence. Eggshells will be your existence from then on. They will conveniently forget it all as if nothing happened at all. Just evil.

Corinne
Corinne
Reply to  Anyone

Sounds exactly like my husband. I feel like I have to compete with him all the time. It has really started to affect my health in the last 10 years so I have to now put myself first and my health before it’s too late.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Corinne

Yes they leave you no choice you’re love you once had for them has gone because of all the lies that they have made up about you every thing just dies they are there own worst enemy and you’re worst nightmare .

LuAnn
LuAnn
Reply to  Anonymous

Nah, he can definitely be both. Even the healthiest people aren’t consistent in behaviors and temperament. And I would not use the word “just” to describe anger issues. If he’s abusive, it’s not “just” anything. And yeah, there can be a mix of flawed characteristics in one person. One day he may be overtly abusive and the next do something under the radar. Besides, slamming cabinets is passive aggressive and I would not call that calm behavior. However yes, some PAs are calm. My hub is a perfect example of that. Very calm an quiet. Quite the weasel actually.

Bonus
Bonus
Reply to  Anonymous

contradicting and minimizing this makes you sound passive aggressive

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Bonus

I’m sorry, Bonus but these women have a right to share their stories of what ‘s going on in their lives and it has nothing to do with contradictions. It certainly doesn’t make THEM passive aggressive to express that they are going through a difficult time.

Stephanie
Stephanie
Reply to  Anonymous

There are levels of passive aggressive. Also, one can be passive aggressive AND rotten. Don’t tell her she doesn’t know; she knows!

Rebecca
Rebecca
Reply to  Catherine

All I can say is, “Me, too!”

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Rebecca

Thanks for this information and especially for the website. I love my husband of 30 years very much. We’ve been working on these issues because he had such a terrible childhood he was left damaged. There is hope, folks. Give your passive-aggressive spouse the information; if he really wants to stay married he won’t procrastinate anymore. He’ll start reading about it, get embarrassed and finally start changing back into the person you married. I say this because it’s happening for my relationship, now. It takes time and patience. I have to remind myself he’s like this because of a rotten childhood, not because he hates me. It’s hard, never let your guard down. But, if you love them enough, work with your passive aggressive partner to help them change. They really can change if they want to and have a bit of help.

Bee
Bee
Reply to  Anonymous

Thank you for the encouraging response & suggestions. You obviously have a kind & patient heart & have the ability to say look the glass is half full.. I hope & pray things continue to improve for you. I try to remember Jesus’s sacrifice & what he bore for all of us..

Teppy Jones
Teppy Jones
Reply to  Anonymous

OMG, really! I’ve been married to a PA for 25 years. Your response just makes me laugh.
Sorry.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Teppy Jones

I don’t find anything funny about all of the pain that many of us have been going through for so long. And partners ARE capable of change. Mine has, and so can others, so laugh at yourself first, or don’t laugh at the pain that others are going through.

Harriet Olsen
Harriet Olsen
Reply to  Teppy Jones

Makes me laugh too. PA spouses don’t change. They make you crazy and enjoy the ride! They are determined in the belief that their emotional misery and suffering is caused by everyone else, never by their own actions/choices. I am going on 26 yrs. marriage w/junior high age children. You either accept them or move on. For now, I choose to stay… more good days out-weight the bad days, but when they are bad… ouch!!

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Harriet Olsen

I don’t have the patience for it.

Callister
Callister
Reply to  Anonymous

I was so confident in his work and just as he said in the beginning, my husband is finally back to me again, yes he is back with all his hearts, Love, care, emotions and flowers and things are better now. I would have no hesitation to recommend this powerful Man to anybody who is in need of relationship/marriage help.. E-mail; ____________________________r.buckler@ [hotmail] com

Stephanie
Stephanie
Reply to  Anonymous

It doesn’t matter. The man that changed is the exception. Nobody has tried harder than I have to calmly call out the behavior and refuse to cover for it .. to start over and try this intervention or that one … he will never change and wasting all those years trying only ruined my life more. At the start I read they would never change; I wish I’d cut out so many years ago.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Stephanie

I think you’re probably right it’s the same thing over and over again I just don’t get people who just want to cause problems for others then have the nerve to blame them for something they haven’t even done .

Daddysgirl
Daddysgirl

I have been married 27 years. My husband’s passive aggressive behavior has almost killed me literally. The past 3 years has been most emotionally stressed for me. Being treated for stress, anxiety, panic attacks, loss of weight, fighting depression, I couldnt handle his behavior and get well in my body. I. packed and ran for my life, my sanity, and a even a chance to save the marriage. The separation has been extremely painful especially with unanswered questions. I couldn’t figure out if I was crazy, didn’t understand my husband crazy-making behavior until one my girlfriends described my husband as passive aggressive. After coming across websites like this has given me a since of relie. Everything I’ve read about PAs fits my husband to a T. And i tried to get him
to take a look at the symptoms.However, instead of seeing it as a way for our relationship to get
better, he felt I was attacking him as PAs often do. It doesn’t matter what concerns or issues I try to discuss with him, gently or not, crying or not, he saw it as me attacking him, blaming him. He does not take responsibility or accountability for anything. He
completely shuts down on me and quietly punishes me or get back at me. 99% of the time he does not
communicate with me about anything. Only when he wanted something from me, he would communicate. Any concerns I had, he would totally ignore. It amazes me how he would stonewall
me. Not just for days but months! He totally detach himself from me with no intention or concern of
working through the problem. So I could never get him to show any concerns for my feelings, which
chips away at your self esteem. It said that i didnt matter. When in a corner, he would blatantly lie.
Present himself has calm but full of anger which i would later have to suffer the consequences through his undermining way. I would beg, plead, cry, pray, trying to get him to treat me right, trying to
get him to make this marriage work. Have asked him WHY countless times.. To no avail. We’ve gone to counseling twice in past 3 years. Each time he never finish. Two different therapist required work
from him. He didnt like that and stop going but yet said he would do anything to save marriage (lie)
He NEVER explained to me why he stopped going. Being exhausted emotionally, physically, I didn’t bother to ask why. It had gotten to be too much for me. His behavior was as if the counseling never
happened or existed. Much like how he’s treating me now. Together over 30 years and he has
discarded me like a piece of trash. Refusing to communicate with me. Taking every opportunity to be
spiteful to me. Ive learned because he doesn’t know how to deal with his anger, he cannot accept
responsibility or accountability, he only surround himself around those that do not hold him
accountable and thinks he’s the best thing since slice bread. He creates his own world that makes him comfortable.. In the relationship, either I had to accept him and his abusive behavior or jump
ship. I held on for as long as I could. Suffering with stress, in and out of ER, no reasoning with him,
absolutely emotionally exhausted. It seem the more I begged him, the worse he got. It was as if he
thrived on my misery. What happened to this man? … I had to decide whether I wanted to live or die. It
was THE HARDEST decision I have made in my life as my family is most important to me. However, abuse overt or covert is unacceptable. I never thought I would be in this place at this point of my life. My heart is still open to saving my marriage if my husband recognize his issue and seek help for it.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Daddysgirl

I know what you’re talking about it is exhausting and painful that someone who is ment to love you has no feelings for you at all .

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Daddysgirl

What a horror. I hope you survived this ordeal 10 years ago.
The last part is so telling. The narcissist is now getting their “supply” off your negative energy/emotional response. The more you hurt, the better they feel about themselves. It’s just a game to them and you are nothing. You never were anything, even when they had you up on that pedestal at the start. It was all manipulation and pretend. Nothing real with them ever. It was always about power and control and winning.. for them. They literally view relationships as win lose. It’s so backwards even that at the end, if they aren’t hurting you, they feel like they’re losing, so they literally are compelled to hurt you so they can “win”. It has a very sadistic slant to it. Yes… the more they can frustrate you by denying your needs and your very reasonable relationship requests, the happier they will be! They’re in control. Look how powerful they are… you are just smaller and more ridiculous than an ant under their foot. Don’t miss the narcissistic smirk. That’s pure glee of having been a “MASTER ASSHOLE” and having fooled the victim into thinking that it’s them, they’re crazy and it’s their own fault (this caustic abuse) AGAIN! They’ll happily play this game till you are turned into dust. It’s highly entertaining for them. They’ll watch intently for your emotional hurt, your agony, and they absolutely get off on it. Sick. Evil. Toxic. Real as a heart attack.

Lisa
Lisa
Reply to  Daddysgirl

My heart relates and aches at your story. May God help us.

Virginia
Virginia
Reply to  Daddysgirl

Your story sounds like the same script so many of us have all been playing by with an SO who is passive aggressive in every aspect of their life and yours. I too have been married for 34 years and I too am standing at a place where the road is divided, one road to PA and the other to a more health way of doing life…ALONE. The choice isn’t easy and I’ve yet too make that choice. I feel ya, I feel all of your stories and ya know what I hold onto, myself. What else can ya do? God is already with you and that’s what you hold onto until YOU are ready for a life that’s not full of another person anger and frustration. And then we all could just laugh at the absurdity of the situation and keep on living and doing what you know is right and be happy with yourself and what you want from life, peace. Maybe these words will give another person validation and hope that it’s OK and you do have this, even with the PA telling you different. Sometimes I think GOD is laughing at us all, for we do amuse him, we have too. LOL

Bella
Bella
Reply to  Virginia

[…] My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago but finally came back with the help of Robinsonbuckler11@ gmail. com………Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!! […]

HL
HL
Reply to  Daddysgirl

My heart hurts and so relieved at the same time. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years, we have a 2yr old and this is exactly what I’ve been going through. He shuts down, blank stares, does not take accountability, unreliable but shows up. will mess up, do something wrong, never follows thru 100% (not based on perception but a fact) he will not feel or show any remorse. In fact, if I point it out or get upset because he promised he would do something and doesn’t then it’s my fault and he tells me that I just talk to much. I’ve asked, begged, pleaded, cried, got loud and angry, practically had panic attacks lately. he just stares at me and then will ask if I’m done talking and will turn around walk away as if I’m non-existent.?.?.?.?. I’ve asked politely “do I met your needs?” He responds, “no, not all.” Okay fair enough I say in a calm curious manner… “What needs do I not met?” He responded “I don’t know.” He really doesn’t know. His face his eyes say it all. It’s like you see the wheels turning and he is trying to think hard but nothing comes out. I know we are young (32 & 30) BUT for the past 4.5 years since we got engaged, even worse when we found out I was pregnant which he was onboard and we had tried for several months… He just got worse, his excuse was I can fend for myself. I have tried every different approach, suppressed my emotions, gave benefit of doubt, placed blame on myself to fix it and start over…. Nothing! it is the same pattern. Some where in me, I believe we could have a happy healthy marriage. I’m very realistic when it comes to relationships, I understand no two people are the same and compromise, take steps back to move forward, you fall in and out of love , it takes hard compassionate work…. I’ve noticed he is not like this around his parents especially his mother. I’ve also noticed that he is never given the opportunity to take responsibility or express full emotion when around them. It’s like I’m a third wheel! my daughter and I come last. The better of a wife I become, the better of a mother, the more I better myself the more he becomes distant as if he really doesn’t want this marriage. He has never Said that though even when given opportunities. Lately, endless opportunities. I’m not perfect and have my faults as a person but I have done tremendous growth and soul searching to gain more compassion and have more empathy. I am having a hard time with the advice given, accept him for who he is or leave. I can’t right now. I can’t stay in a relationship and suppress my emotions or look at him and not want better for him. As well as leave, on a certain level it’s silly. We don’t fight about “normal” marriage stuff. Jealousy, sexual commitment, finances, parenting style… We don’t fight/argue about those. Granted he is not the most forth coming when it comes to a plan of action generally it’s me that has to come up w a plan or goal but I even askbefore a decision is made, what do you think, any input, how do you feel…???? How do you cope with this without leaving or losing your integrity, values while staying? I’m exhausted

Virginia
Virginia
Reply to  HL

Has your life changed in 5 years?

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Virginia

I’ll assume that’s a rhetorical question?
She was obviously malleable and eager to fix things. She probably hung in there. She’s probably so broken now that she can’t even respond to inquiries. That’s the outcome of trying to “work a one sided relationship” with a “man child”.
Just facts.

HL
HL
Reply to  Daddysgirl

My heart hurts and so relieved at the same time. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years, we have a 2yr old and this is exactly what I’ve been going through. He shuts down, blank stares, does not take accountability, unreliable but shows up. will mess up, do something wrong, never follows thru 100% (not based on perception but a fact) he will not feel or show any remorse. In fact if I point it out or upset because he promised he would do something and doesn’t then it’s my fault and he tells me that I just talk to much. I asked, begged, pleaded, cried, got loud and angry, practically had panic attacks lately and he just stares at me and then will ask if I’m done talking and will turn around walk away as if I’m non-existent.?.?.?.?. I’ve asked politely “do I met your needs?” He responds with, “no, not all.” Okay fair enough I say in a calm curious manner… “What needs do I not met?” I asked. He responded “I don’t know.” I know we are young (32 & 30) BUT for the past 4.5 years I have tried every different approach, suppressed my emotions, gave benefit of doubt, placed blame on myself to fix it and start over…. Nothing it is the same pattern. Some where in me, I believe we could have a happy healthy marriage. I’m very realistic when it comes to relationships, I understand no two people are the same and compromise, take steps back to move forward, you fall in and out of love , it takes work…. I’ve noticed he is not like this around his parents especially his mother. I’ve also noticed that he is never given the opportunity to take responsibility or express full emotion when around them. It’s like I’m a third wheel and my daughter and I come last. The better of a wife I become, the better of a mother, the more I better myself the more he becomes distant as if he really doesn’t want this marriage but has never and will never say that even when given opportunities. Lately, endless opportunities. I’m not perfect and have my faults as a person and in this relationship but I have done tremendous growth and soul searching since our daughter was born bc I wanted to make sure we gave her the ultimate opportunities for emotional and physical growth. I am having a hard time with the advice accept him for who he is or leave. I can’t right now. I can’t stay in a relationship and suppress my emotions or look at him and not want better for him. As well as leave, on a level it’s silly. We don’t fight about “normal” marriage stuff. Jealousy, sexual commitment, finances, parenting style… We don’t fight/argue about those. Granted he is not the most forth coming when it comes to a plan of action for these things and generally it’s me that has to come up w a plan or goal but I even askbefore a decision made, what do you think, any input, how do you feel…???? How do you cope with this without leaving or losing your integrity, values while staying?

Georgia
Georgia
Reply to  HL

You can’t meet his needs bc he is broken inside and no one can heal him. He doesn’t even know what or how he can be helped, all he knows is he is not happy. But you cannot heal him. And men typically don’t want to accept they are flawed and put in the therapy work. What I do with my PA is recognise that this is what he is. It comes from unmet emotional needs and childhood damage etc etc. he doesn’t do it deliberately. He does it out of instinct and survival and it’s very immature but they don’t know any other way to keep “in control”. Men want to be in power and have control – that’s how they are born. And they just do this behaviour as a natural instinct bc they can’t think of a more mature and evolved way of behaving – like women do! Try and focus on the good things about your husband. Realise he is not necessarily able to “be different” and won’t accept he has issues. But the truth is that we all have issues. You do too and they play out in different ways that you prob aren’t aware of. Living with someone is really hard for everyone. Few people are happily married and it’s always hard work and full of compromises and learning to understand your partner and how to work with them not against them. It’s going to conintue, the PA behaviour, but what can change is your perspective and seeing it for what it is rather than questioning yourself. Even knowing your husband is PA often makes people feel a lot better. Just keep working on it and don’t give up so young. Get some therapy for yourself to help you keep on track.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Georgia

Well put he’s broken inside , I will use that thought in future and I know I can’t mend him but it’s so hard to think he’s got everything about me wrong I know I’m a nice person and if there was a another person that could hear how he talks to me they would be shocked , I don’t like to be told by him that I’m not good enough for him when he is disrespectful to me and a lot of people .

Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  Georgia

men? don’t make this a sex thing. My wife is passive agressive, by you turning it to say “all men don’t blah blah” makes you sound like an evil PA sexiest .

Michelle
Michelle
Reply to  Daddysgirl

Wow: I have read your testimony. I feel like you wrote my life with my now ex-husband. I could take it anymore. He sucked all the joy out of my life. I to feel if he were to change I would take him back. Im not counting on it though. The one most crazy behaviors my ex husband had was. If I asked he him anything, his response was always NO. He meant Yes. In his head Yes was always the answer. Then a fight would occur cuz I could never understand the NO. He would say I never said that. So on and so on. I would turn and mouth to myself WTF. I was loosing who I was. I thought I was going crazy. My third child just graduated from high school. I feared what my life would have been like with just us. I did meet a man. I enjoyed his conversation a lot. Because it was normal. I did try for a year to get him to understand how I was feeling. I went online, read books, went to therapist, pastors. After awhile I could tell he had no interest. The covert abuse was rampant. I just ended the marriage. I feel stuck in my feelings. This was not what I wanted for myself. The is so much more. I feel I could write a book. It was an extremely hard decision. Good luck

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Michelle

Hopefully you’ve found your footing by now. Yes, good partners are forced to seek “emotional and even physical sustenance” elsewhere beyond their primary relationship. Because at home it’s just silent treatment, stone walls and barren landscape. It’s literally torture at home.

Yippie14
Yippie14
Reply to  Daddysgirl

I read your history and thought you were describing my story. HOWEVER: my now ex-husband stopped having sex with me 20 years ago; stopped sleeping in the same room with me 16 years ago; lied about working; criticized my job (I supported the family x 24 years); stopped doing things as a family 8 years ago; started biking 6 years ago and forgot that he had a family; has not worked FT in 16 years; consulted even though his financial contribution was bare bones; belittled me in front of our daughter and his friends for years. Now we are divorced and he has yet to move his personal belongings out of the house; the basement and garage areas remain in a hoarding state. What my question is: WHY would I stay married to a person who is neither a man; a father or a husband for 24 years? Is it because we had a child? This male person was NOT a provider for his family; a mooch; a person who was not able to provide spiritual/ emotional/ intimacy/ financial efforts to a marriage.

Ed
Ed
Reply to  Yippie14

I only say this out of empathy for you. Get out of the marriage. He isn’t EVER going to change. Best predictor of his future behavior is looking at his past. In all this time he isn’t even willing to admit he has a problem. I hate divorce-been thru it twice-I would never recommend it-but in your case I am sorry. For your own happiness and sanity-GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! of your marriage. Go find the happiness you deserve, it starts with getting out.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Ed

I would be very careful NOT to tell anyone to break up their marriage or their home, or their current existence. Everyone’s situation is different. Many of these situations are not only tolerable, but they can be improved upon.

Simon
Simon

I think I have a passive aggressive partner. I always thought it had been me through the years, or at least that’s what she’d tell me whenever I’d complain about something which I thought was inappropriate, and I believed her. So I’d read books, try self improvement courses, even visited and did CBT.

I believed her because when she met she always said she’d never lied EVER, so I respected her opinion. Only years later did tell me, she used to lie about things to upset me. Though she now denies she said that!

I didn’t do any of these “self-help” things before, it all started about 5-6 years of marriage, I used to be a normally happy guy. But since then I’ve had two break-downs (my own fault because I tried to play her at her own game, which just ended up as guilt and feeling bad for me BIG MISTAKE). And I now have no friends, I’ve been virtually removed from my family circle and I rarely see them, talking about them seems to raise an eyebrow and a dismissive ‘oh your family’.

And I’m constantly told it’s actually all my fault, I’m the one who had the break down. I’ve no doubt some is, but all of it?

I came from a very lovey family environment. We had problems of course, but hugging and generally sharing feelings was the norm. I thought that’s how it would be with my wife, but I feel foolish, hurt and I regret ever meeting her, but at the same time I love her!! She is a great mother, and at times a great wife.

Apart from the standard always 15-20 minutes late I get if I need a lift. I’m not willing to share too many things (there are a lot), but the biggest kick in the face for me was supposedly not performing well in bed. Then being told it’s not the best compared to others. The next day I confronted her on it and thought it was hurtful. “It was a joke, jesus, can’t you take a joke? That’s your problem, you just can’t take a joke. And what about all the things you say to me” on which I get a list on why I’m actually not a great person before going off in a huff because I’m getting angry (which is true, I used to rise to it). I’m the one then who ends up apologizing and still feeling frustrated because I got my feelings hurt without any acknowledgement:-S On this occasion, it was just that she’d been tired, so instead of just telling me that , I get punished with something I found quite hurtful. Even if it’s not true. Or is it? I’m not sure anymore. I just don’t have any confidence in myself to say ‘It’s like this?’ in fact, I’m already feeling guilty/nervous for sharing this.

Sorry, none of this really makes sense. I just feel a bit down today and I wanted to write it down somewhere.

Bernie
Bernie
Reply to  Simon

Hey, At least you can get it off your chest, think about what makes you breathe again, to breathe again and be yourself.

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Simon

I hope that you’ve survived this toxic witch.
That bit about not good in bed not as good as others was not a joke at all. That was intentionally cruelty on her part and essentially it was her admitting to her infidelity. She’s probably so confident at this point, because she’s doing it so much and you have probably picked up on it but you’re totally trauma bonded and in denial too, that she just hit you with it right on the chin. That was just evil. Then to minimize it and claim that you’re just unable to take a joke just too sensitive? !!!! WTF? No. She’s an absolutely covert malignant narcissistic psychopath. There is no love or respect in what you describe. She is literally “Just An Asshole”! And she’s probably had various strange mens cocks in her asshole too!
If they get away with their evil long enough… they often resort to such offhanded jokes. It’s literally their way of mocking you.
Similar story. Mine claimed that I take too long to cum from oral sex, which she claimed to like doing. She made a passing comment about how “Other guys don’t take that long to cum from oral”! It was a same for same situation. Ultimately I lost all respect for her and then I had no problems cumming in her mouth! Guess what? She then lost interest in giving oral sex because it was no longer an angle that she could use to make me feel like shit about myself. What she liked most about oral sex was opportunities to make me feel like I was a failure. My problem wasn’t inability to perform. That’s never a problem that I have had. My problem was loving and respecting this POS. Once I accepted her as a toxic, undermining, deceitful, manipulative POS… I enjoyed having her swallow and shooting on her face etc…. And then, no surprise, since the dynamics had changed, and since she did not want to give me pleasure(fact afterall), she suddenly lost all interest in oral sex!
I hope that you can laugh at all of this by now. They really are completely malevolent. I don’t mean to be harsh here in this graphic, because I do love and respect women. It’s just an absolute waste of time applying that to this type of creature. There’s no winning it or joy in these relationships… it’s not in the cards. They are T O X I C.

Mike Snowball
Mike Snowball
Reply to  Simon

Simon
Thanks. You saved me trying to describe the contradictions of my relationship with my PA wife & my sanity perhaps. As I am trying to play my wife at her own PA game & going nuts.
I wish I didnt love her so much. I’m in trouble! lol or should that be Sh*******!

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Mike Snowball

It’s not possible or even a good idea to try and play them at their own game. You can not possibly do so if you are neurotypical. You don’t think like they do. You have feelings. It’s quintessentially like going up against a professional firing squad with spit wads. Even if you hit them in the eyes, you are still DEAD, and they’re none the worse for it.
Running far and fast and going no contact is the only win you’ll ever get with these types. It’s your own sanity.

Mike
Mike

I’m 68 and have had a screwed up life. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m beyond that. I’m writing about my feelings, because I have been fooling myself with the thought of being a reasonably decent person, never intentionally setting out to cause angst. It is said everyone is looking for love. I have no memory of experiencing love as a child. I came from a dysfunctional family, and find it difficult to relate to love within relationships. My father’s nerves were shot with nervous anxiety on his return from WWII. He was a hard working man but totally devoid of emotion. My mom wore the “pants” around the house, and was the voice to be heard. Although quick to anger, I do recall an infrequent display of love or kindness. My father didn’t row. It was mom who usually hysterically shouted at dad. This has allowed me to develope a rather jaundiced outlook on women, as confrontational beings. It had been many years later when I realised her outbursts were out of sheer frustration with dad. I never had any girl friends, in spite of being well built six footer. There was nine years between me and my older brother. He too had his emotional problems and left home at 18 years old. He was a good brother to me and I can remember thinking to myself as a nine year old, that I will never see him again. I was right. He remained a bachelor until his death at age 51. My first wife walked out on me for her new found love after 12 years of marriage, and left me with my 12 year old son. She had a long string of broken relationships before she met me. She did not have a loving relationship with her own dad. In hind site this was probably a recipe for disaster from the word go, as we married only six weeks after first meeting. I think we both confused lust with love from the outset. A few months after my divorce I met my second (current) wife at a divorce & separates club. Her husband died and left her with two young kids. We were both lonely, and miserable, so we threw in together, to try and make a better life. We too married shortly after meeting. Bringing up her two and my one, was a challenging nightmare. Nobody really got on well together. I was emotionally ill equipped to deal with such a scenario. I struck my own son once for being out of line and immediately regretted it, and never laid a hand on anyone else since. They are grown up now. My blood son has a family of his own, but both step kids are in there 30’s and still single and are avowed to remain that way. My wife has always been hyper-sensitive, and has suffered with agoraphobia for the last 20 years. It was triggered by a car accident we were both in. In short there hasn’t been many laughs or good times, but I shouldn’t complain as many others are far worse off. I must count my blessings.

Rachel
Rachel
Reply to  Mike

I just wanted to say that I admire your strength through difficult times and how you still count your blessings despite it all. That’s what I try to do too. It was eight years ago that you posted your message, I hope you are well now and life is treating you better. I’m struggling a bit myself at the moment hence why I’m reading everyone’s posts. I won’t leave my partner because I love my cat too much! Just a bit of advice for anyone thinking of leaving….I’ve done it once after an 18 year marriage and it’s not necessarily going to fix anything. If you do leave stay alone for a few years to find your feet and get to know yourself better, don’t go straight into a new relationships like I did. I have found myself in another difficult situation with someone selfish, hypocritical and irritable.

Specialist Green
Specialist Green

Wow…legit complaints from me are met by ” I never do anything right”….or….”you always want to argue”…. Or ….”I didn’t know”….or….”you are perfect but I’m not”…. Or….”that’s my business don’t worry about it”….or “why are you bringing that up” or………etc…..dishes sit in the sink for four days…but it’s my fault for making dishes when I cook…..laundry sits in and on the dryer but it’s, “thorn why don’t you take them out”….but she did the laundry….student loans in default after she waited for seven years to address the issue although I told her that procrastinating would led to default and effect our ability to buy a home….her response….why are you bringing up the past…..wtf do I do?…. I’m frustrated and ready to cash out?

Anonymous
Anonymous

In the exact same boat, sounds JUST like my wife. WOW. I’m thinking about whether to cash out now as we’re about to buy a house together

Specialist Green
Specialist Green

Woke up today to wet glasses stacked on top of wet dishes….wet containers stacked on wet containers…clothes stacked on dryer…all things discussed ad nauseim. Wish I would have paid more attention before having a child with her…I would be out otherwise.

Specialist Green
Specialist Green

Only a passive aggressive person would counter every point and reverse everything. A discussion on how she treats me as a man and projects her anger onto me is countered with “you leave dirty spoons on the counter.” Idiot.

Angela Thomas
Angela Thomas

Wow! I read the help for passive aggressive couples and how to help him. The advice is to give him more down time and praise him for what he does do. Honey, I’ve tried the praise routine. I’ve given him space to relax and decompress an do what needs to get done at his leisure. He never gets done. Right now I am looking at my lawn that hasn’t been mowed in two weeks. I haven’t mowed it, which I normally do just because it has to get done and isn’t worth the hassle. I’ve suggested it. I have said nothing and still it’s like anything else. It doesn’t get done.

We were working on paving stones two weeks ago. Of course it has to be done with me here or he won’t do it. I praised him, said wow don’t you feel good, isn’t it amazing and so forth. It still isn’t finished because it’s waiting for him to cut some stones. He only worked part time this week as in 16 hours, I worked two jobs. Plus housework. And I still managed to lay down some of the stones.

Ok sorry, some of that is venting. Seriously, this man is making me crazy. He’s 48 years old. I have no clue he can’t hold a job, he can’t do the most basic of household chores, I am lucky if he feeds the dogs which is about the only thing I can count on. Putting out water for them is a 50/50. It’s like living with a preteen and I don’t have children. But I have heard from people and have lots if nieces and nephews to hear those conversations.

Here’s my thoughts grow up and put on your big boy pants or please get out. He’s making me sick. I am tired and I can’t keep up the pace. I have to clean up after him too. Plus work all the time.

Corinne
Corinne
Reply to  Angela Thomas

Get out now cos it only will get worse and your health will suffer.

Jade
Jade

My husband and I have known each other for over 20 years. When we met as teenagers, (What do teenagers know, right) I thought he was my soulmate. He was so gentle, kind and considerate. His sole purpose was to make me happy, and I felt the same way. Now, it seems like he is a different person. It’s always someone else’s fault; He can’t take criticism; He will say one thing, do another and then defend how I either interpreted what he said or what he did wrong. It is frustrating and heartbreaking to deal with this type of confusion and uncertainty and he seems to be totally ambivalent to the situation. This leads me to question whether he really loves me or is just playing some sort of emotional hokey pokey with my feelings. Almost like he is testing me to see how much I can endure before calling it quits, so he can cluelessly say “What happened.” ” I had no idea you were so unhappy.” ” Did I do something to make you feel this way.” I’m so confused because I feel this is not the person that I fell in love with. To his credit, we have gone to several counselors; however, things will get better for a week and then he reverts back to his old behaviors. I’m emotionally exhausted. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

Georgia
Georgia
Reply to  Jade

It sounds like he is depressed. He may or may not know why. He may well be a different person to who you married bc we were all young and full of hope and ambition. At his age he’s reached his peak. He has to accept that and maybe that’s hard. Maybe he takes it out on you. But it doesn’t mean it’s your fault or anything to do with you. We can’t fix other people. They have to do it themselves and men rarely do. Just look after yourself. Find your own happiness. Just don’t flaunt it in front of him. Use humour to relax tense situations.

Jeff
Jeff

As I read all of your responses, the one resounding thought in my head is “my god, they are describing my wife to a TEE!”. Ive been married for 13 years now, and have 2 young children. In the beginning my wife was affectionate, loving, and fun to be with. We lived together for a year before we got married. It was literally from the day after we were wed that her passive aggressive behavior started. After our wedding she stopped holding my had, we took both our immediate families out to dinner and she sat her niece in between us. The I noticed that she began to with hold sex, stopped touching me, and never talked with me about anything. The she started giving me an attitude whenever I asked her to do anything, and even managed to screw up even the most menial task. When I tried to express my feelings, I would me wet with either a blank stare, rolling of the eyes, or she would simply stare off to the side and say nothing, or “whatever”. I was going crazy because I could not figure out what the problem was. We went to couples therapy, and all of a sudden she was a waterfall of emotion, where I was the bad guy, and she told lie upon lie. I swear, I didn’t know who this women was. I tried to stick it out after the birth of our 2 children, but things just kept getting worse. It became clear that she had absolutely no regard for my feelings. And no matter what I said to her she would either come up with some excuse or blame me for it. Nothing was ever her fault. I spoke recently, to a psychologist friend about this and she said that my wife seems like an extreme passive aggressive. I didn’t know exactly what a passive aggressive was until I followed her direction and did some research. My wife and I have not slept in the same bed in years, we have zero intimacy, and no communication. She is also an extreme procrastinator, when we first met she was working on her PHD, 2 years ago I found out that she had let her research lapse to the point where it was no longer valid, I flipped out over that. I sent her to school to do medical transcription, and she did that for a while until she slacked off and got fired, I paid for her to go back to college to get a teaching degree, only to find out that she had taken the last 3 semesters off. Having finally seen the futility of trying to change her or work things out I have decided that my mental health and sanity must come before my desire to keep my family together, and am now seeking a divorce.

Kevin
Kevin
Reply to  Jeff

You are making the right decision. I wish I had done the same, It will drain you to the point of no longer caring about anything.

Ellyn
Ellyn

I am sorry your journey has been so painful. I hope understanding these dynamics will console you a little bit.

kah
kah

Wow, I can not believe what I am reading. It fits my husband to a T. Ive been married almost 20 years , and have been confused and upset for so long. Just knowing I”m not crazy helps.

poslaw
poslaw

I, too, am in this situation with my husband. I’ve spent the last 10 years battling him, and I’m so tired. I slipped into a deep depression. I went on medication to help me deal with passive suicidal ideation. My physical health has deteriorated. Now I just want him out. I feel guilty because I think he will honestly end up homeless, but I can’t let my 7 year old daughter grow up thinking this is normal. At least now I might be able to stop questioning myself: my perceptions, my observations, my motivations, and my sanity–all because he refuses to acknowledge that *he* might have a problem. Thank you for that. Thank you to all you beautiful people who shared your stories. I am absolutely overwhelmed to know that I am NOT crazy, and it’s not “just me”.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  poslaw

It’s NOT you, and what you can do is give up the BATTLE. When I gave up my battle with my husband’s problems and turned Him and His Problems over to God, things got “much better” in my life. Try it, you’ll see. You will regain strength and you will find joy in the simple things in life oncemore.

Fred
Fred

I thought I was ok. Then my wife forwarded this article to me. She said please read it slowly and take it all in. NOW I realize that I am a PA (perfect asshole). This is probably a result of the over critical parental treatment, but I blame myself for not recognizing any of the above. I have always been a good provider, working many years of long hours. I have also often worked at home remodeling, building, etc. The household chores are another story. It is SO hard to do the redundant tasks required by every household. I have plenty of energy, but It just seems like such an invasion on the few precious free minutes that I get (distorted thinking).
My wife is a dear soul who does not deserve any of the treatment mentioned above in various comments. Life brings enough challenges without dealing with my BS every day. Omitting the detail, the things I just read are way too familiar in our relationship. We are currently involved in couples counseling, but now I feel that I should be seeking individual help. Our marriage will surely benefit if I can change. Bless her heart for putting up with me this long. Thank you for the article and postings, in helping me to be aware of my own behavior.

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Fred

Wow lucky lady and good on you Fred woman like your wife only want you to be happy and she needs to know that you value her , hope it all works out for you both .

Sylvia
Sylvia

Fred,
That is a very sweet post. Can you talk to my husband? : )

Lost Soul
Lost Soul

So much unhappiness on this page. I came looking for answers, but I think I’ve found more questions. Is my partners behavior P/A? (Silent treatment, “No don’t, I’ll do it as usual”, constant criticism, lack of intimacy, sleeping in separate rooms, an underlying anger, never saying sorry or admitting wrong, never saying anything positive etc). Now I’m wondering is mine? (Always been really defensive to criticism, hate sound of arguing, showing frustration and anger, throwing arms up in the air, feeling unappreciated / unloved).

Background 2 people 2nd marriages mid forties, met 5 years ago. Her boy 17, girl 14, me son 9 and our daughter 2. Me loud gregarious Mediterranean teacher, her quiet shy stunning looking very English para-legal. She has big intimacy issues with her dad, i had a childhood of loving but constant criticism from mine.

She hates the son I adore, who stays every fortnight, says its his fault for being nasty and not doing what she says when I’m out of earshot. Everyone else thinks he’s polite and sweet boy.She also angry at me for not being punishing him enough or dealing effectively with his very difficult mother. He is not allowed to eat with us, or be in same room as her. Her 2 children; nice kids I love them, but they seem to break rules with impunity until she gets really angry at them. I feel they are molly coddled, we run round after them, they have no chores, renage on any responsibilities given to them.

When questioned I feel like I am being cross examined in the dock. If I raise any issues about the kids or her, she gets aggressive, gets even more angry, if I try to walk away. I am therefore pushed until I snap. Not violent, but I’m not nice when red mist descends. Resulting in me getting days of cold shoulder/silence / stone face from someone who is not very warm at best of times.

Are we both P/A? Are we just a bad combo? Can we change or are we doomed?
Any advice or help?
Lost dazed and confused.

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Lost Soul

I’m so wanting a years later update on this!

Scott
Scott

Hrmm… I feel people are making a lot of assumptions here. I don’t want to sound too passive agressive, because I know I have some problems with that, but sometimes we need to ride ourself of emotion by doing something constructive before pointing the finger so directly at someone else other than yourself. No one can really controle how you feel. What you think is mainly a cause of your own feelings and hurt. Pointing the finger at your partner and not talking directly to them about actual scenarios and turning to a website instead seems a bit passive agressive. Everyone can act passive agressive at times. It seems easiar to divert the attention to something other than the issue at hand rather than deal with it right there and then. Lay out precise observations on truths table. Don’t slam the truth in the face of your loved ones or anyone. The truth speaks for itself. If they are passive agressive then they’ll tell you that that’s your opinion or that you are the one distorting the truth. I’m going to have to think and pray real hard on this. I’m not sure how to approach my wife, I am scared, but it feels good. She shows some chronic signs, but mostly in communication, where I have realized, by all your help, im greatful to you all, that I may be that typical male passive agressive. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not going to consider it a disease or anything, but I do believe its contagious. Id like to challenge all of us involved to be more assertive now, don’t wait a single moment longer. Anger is a good way to get the dishes done. And if your spouse decides to do them this time, for god sake and theirs, don’t criticize how they do it, just say thank you sooo much. But don’t seem so cheesy like something is up or have anger when you say it and not tell them, because that makes you the passive aggressive. In fact, if you do feel the anger rolling out as they finally did the dishing, you should say, OMG! I’m so glade Im furious! If they ask you why, then you made a break through, and if you don’t tell them the truth, then you are in fact passive aggressive. It is okay to argue! Its healthy! Just DO NOT yell! Passive aggressive people love to get your goat by setting off emotional triggers so they can blame you for their Anger as it is now yours. Just keep in mind! They did not do that to you! You did it to yourself! You are in charge of your own emotional well being. Unattatching yourself from that and finding something else or someone else to blame for it is passive aggressive behavior. Sorry about any grammar or spelling..I’m not even going to re-read it…just send it into the whirl wind. Thanks again to all, but I have to say to some who are sounding like nasty complainers, grow some you know what! You better get tough now. Your emotional well being is yours. Be a rock. Read up on co-dependency issues. If you haven’t heard and you think you are except, then you are in for more of a ride than with this subject. Also, don’t blow your mind online. That’s messed up. Everyone has very real and freakish issues they have to deal with, what counts is how we deal with them. Character is made that way, when all the good times have to be preserved in pictures. Have a total fantastic thrill ride. Out with plastic peace and oneness bull crape, in with healthy anger exercises and division to personal uniqueness. Life hurts and that’s what saves us.

Ahmed Yosri
Ahmed Yosri
Reply to  Scott

Dealing with a PA spouse is not hard because of a certain negative action or inaction from the PA spouse. But it is hard because of the “repetitiveness” of that negative action or inaction from the PA spouse, to a point that drives the victim spouse either nuts or greatly depressed. Make no mistake; It’s the repetitiveness of the action, and not just the mere action itself. You love your PA spouse. And your love to them makes you unable to believe that they’re really dysfunctional enough to be actually meeting your love with aggression! .. The PA spouse is acting like if they were an enemy spy planted in your house, hellbent on annoying you and hurting you in every subtle way they can. And as spies; the PA spouse never admits their sabotage. They will drain all your resources (money, friends, happiness, sanity, etc.) until you’re done for good, and then they will move on to the next victim. They will occasionally show you love, real love, just to reel you in, especially when you seem about to escape their spell, or their world altogether. After all, who doesn’t love a resource which is at hands-reach, and can be drained almost indefinitely?!.. They will promise to change, and they sometimes will really mean it at the time. But when you’re back together, they will return back to their old ways soon enough. After all, how can they fight the temptation of leaving this resource (you) untapped while this resource is -once again- available to them like that?!.. You fear leaving them, because the price is too high. You feel that you will lose a whole life.. you will lose all those good memories you had together.. you will lose all the effort you have already put in this relationship.. you will be turning your back on years of your life, and -with some people- financial support, and maybe even kids in the process too. You’re simply in a position in which you’re being bullied, by a loved one, and not for your lunch money, but for your sanity and your life itself!!

If anyone would give us (victims of PA spouses) a piece of advice; then please put the description of our feelings above into your consideration. We’ll owe you great thanks.

Moonlight Lady
Moonlight Lady
Reply to  Ahmed Yosri

I think the best advice we can give each other is to seek to comfort ourselves within these difficult situations. Help the other person if we can. Pray for them. Develop positive attitudes in spite of the hurt and pain we are experiencing. Tomorrow is another day and it DOES get better.

LuAnn
LuAnn
Reply to  Ahmed Yosri

Being bullied. That’s a great way of putting it. I didn’t think of it that way til I read that in your comment.

Teppy Jones
Teppy Jones
Reply to  Scott

I’m thinking you may have a few more problems with passive aggressive then you totally understand.

Ana
Ana

Yes, amazing how the passive aggressive husband is loved by everyone except those who know him well. He has no close friends and even his counselors seem to tire of him fairly quickly. He never calls then complains about me not calling. He is an excellent provider, but negative or absent emotionally. He either naps or pretends he doesn’t hear you. He stares into the distance much of the time and shrinks up like he’s being injured if you scream in frustration. He never screams. He rarely talks. In fact, he seems pleased to display no emotion although you can sense how angry and/or resentful he is. When he does tasks, he makes sure to screw them up or ask you a thousand questions. How many ways can you cut vegetables??? I only have about two answers for questions like this. Over the years, I’ve defaulted to, “Cut them the way you want to eat them”. On the tasks where I do specify, he makes sure to not do it. Then, he gets really defensive when I ask him why. I know he’d rather I didn’t ask him to do anything at all, but, then, he seems bored if he’s not disappointing me somehow. The oddest part about all of this is that I can tell that he loves me, and that he is just duplicating how his mother behaved. His father angers easily and screams at anyone for anything at an incredible volume. However, I screamed maybe once a month during the first years of our marriage and once I finished professional school (and the stress was much lower), maybe once every three months. In other words, there is no need for him to feel he must withdraw into silence and play ignoring games with me. However, I know he did it for years with people at work, too. He finally seemed to figure out that it might be related to his lack of promotion to a new title. Now, I’m trying to get him to see that he’s just copying his parents relationship in his mind….that there is no need for him to torture himself. After all, he despises his parents, so I hope he can see what he is turning around onto me. BTW, I am currently in full rebellion mode. After 12 years of marriage and 15 years together, I have gotten sick of doing everything in the house and him taking no responsibility. What makes me angriest is that he will sit quietly (yawning or looking very bored) even when we are out in public, trying to have a date, even though he had earlier said he wanted to go. We don’t even bother with vacations. So, I’ve let the house and the cooking and the trying to have a good date and the intimacy all fly out the window. Shockingly, it seems to be getting through to him. Will it last? Wish us luck. I long for that man I knew for eight years who was so enjoyable.

Liz
Liz
Reply to  Ana

Sounds like asd.

LaTonia
LaTonia
Reply to  Ana

Wow. Just wow.I totally understand.

From a personal standpoint, I just wish there was a solution. I hoped for so much more than this. I wish for more for my husband. It just seems for all intents and purposes we should really be living a beautiful life but instead THIS. I showed him a PA post yesterday, he became defensive and derisive of course and felt attacked. I don’t want to give an account of all of his characteristics. You can read any of the comments above for that. I guess I just wish that showing him this would lead to a better life for us, but I have to admit I’m wondering what punishment be will follow up with. It’s so sad for each party involved. I just wish things could be different, but my hope has dwindled and this situation is starting to wear me down. I’m sad, disappointed, disillusioned and also upset with myself for getting myself into this type of relationship.

Kerry
Kerry

Wow Ana! You just described the relationship I have with my husband! We are in the middle of divorcing after almost 36 years of marriage. He was my best friend and I loved him dearly. But he made a choice to be angry and harbor resentment towards me about so many things. Things I am just now learning he was angry about. I want to stay together, but I would have to give up myself and my wants, needs, and dreams to do so. I have changed over the years from being an outgoing, fun, productive, active person to a shell of my former self from all the comments and demeaning actions, not to mention the utter lack of respect, support or encouragement. He says that he understands what he has done and that he wants to change. My heart wants to believe him but my head says I can’t. The trust is shattered and I am scared about my future on my own. But I truly believe the only way to save myself is to continue with the divorce. Do others feel this way? Has anyone stayed and been able to successfully change the situation for the better? Do you have to constantly point out the passive aggressive behavior? I am not sure I could do that for the rest of my life.

Fran
Fran

I’m still starting on this journey of understanding. Not entirely sure of why things are as they are, but do know it’s not right – ie meeting my needs and desires, as opposed to his. 27 yrs married, effectively living separately for last 15 because of my job, and he’d been ‘supportive’ on the surface. But I’m beginning to realise that his reluctance to move with me, despite the fact he has given up his business and has not actively sought work in my location owes as much to his PA as to anything else. I’ve found it damaging to my self esteem – why wouldn’t my husband want to spend time with me? – and hugely unsettling. I spend all my time trying to appease him and make sure he is happy. It’s all surfaced again because he resents my family inheritance and is now demanding I spend money on him. I don’t really care about the money but he clearly does. I suppose I should have seen it coming and am annoyed with myself that I let this happen. But I’m thinking maybe this is more about self preservation – not having critical comments, sacarstic remarks, silent treatment, and other undermining stuff will be such a relief.

Lilo
Lilo

My husband is two different person, when he is good everything is great, he is responsible and helpful, once he becomes angry (every 2 months)his face changed, in every fights wants divorce, and completely humiliate me, I don’t know why I start to cry and ask him to stay, usually it takes one to two hours, then he accepted and again the cycle starts. Very good moments and suddenly for nothing just a short argument we go to hell and he wants divorce.Should I accept divorce?

Jane
Jane
Reply to  Lilo

Just like mine he creates arguments when he’s fed up with life and somehow it’s all my fault , the divorce threat comes out and says he can’t live like this and he’s not going to put up with it , he starts the arguments I defend myself from his insults he’s just accusing me of and then bingo I’m the one who is the problem in his eyes when I haven’t done anything wrong at all , it’s so soul destroying .

Dwarfstar
Dwarfstar
Reply to  Lilo

Play the game. Accept the divorce verbally and he will punish you by upping the anti. He will pack his bags, he will storm around the house, he will be a nightmare. But don’t fall for it.

If you have a general idea of the pattern then you have time to plan.

I’m telling you this because I used to do this. And one day she just let me walk out the door. Not only did she not beg me to stay, she left the house before I could reap the benefits of that torturous hour I didn’t have a audience for while slamming closet doors. She definitely pulled the trump card.

I left but returned the next morning. I was going to go back the same night but there is no pleasure in letting her think she won, even if it’s only for one night.

25 years later and we are still together, happily . ONLY because she stood her ground.

kim
kim

I have been married to my husband for 39 years. He had convinced me I was crazy then 3 1/2 years ago we had a huge fight over his family and their behavior and he said unforgiveable things to me and then a week later told me I was crazy because he never said these things. I know I am an idiot for putting up with his behavior for 35 years but I finally took a good long look at our life and problems and starting researching online to see if other people we’re going thru similar things a5nd there it was-the extreme passive aggressive. He cannot tell the truth about anything-even something as simple as “did you fill up the dogs water”. He uses what I have always called hostile humor which I believe is a way for him to be hateful and then pretend that He was just joking. He has always lied about money. I was so glad when employers went to direct deposit because he couldn’t lie about his paycheck anymore. If I ask him to do something he will either do it halfway or say he will get around to it (which means not in this lifetime). He will not start any chore unless I am there to help. If I ever say anything critical to him he will get furious or ignore me and walk away. The worst thing is he says mean and nasty things to me and when I confront him about what he said he will circle his finger by his head and say I am crazy because he didn’t say anything or he didn’t say it the way I think or he was joking and I can’t take a joke or he will just walk away. I have a list of reasons/excuses he uses (and so does his entire family) when he has something really hateful and he realizes it has upset me or someone. 1) I only said that because I care 2)I was only joking-can’t you take a joke 3) you misunderstood what I said 4) I didn’t say that the way you took it 5) you must be crazy because I didn’t say that at all. I know he had a supercritical verbally abusive father and a mouse of a mother who never allowed her kids to express their emotions in case it made dad angry or failed to protected the kids when dad did get angry. I believe his mother was passive aggressive and taught this behavior to her kids (one is a mouse like her, one is a lesbian and hates men and the other one is a drug addict/drug dealer). I have tried talking calmly to my husband, I have tried rationalizing with him, I have cried and ranted and screamed, and nothing gets thru to him. I did start reading articles about passive aggression to him and he said he did see some of his behavior talked about in the articles and he will try and change and he will go to couseling and so far he has not done anything he has promised. I was a young sweet kind naive young girl with no self-confidence when I met my husband. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother was a codependent enabler who taught me to be a codependent enabler-keep the peace at all costs. I believe my husband recognized me as an enabler and realized I was raised to put up with bad behavior. In fact when I was reading about this to my husband he immediately said that it was my fault that he said and did the things he did because I let him get away with these things. (Can you see where this is going). I quit going around my husbands family years ago because he would never stand up for me when his family was mean and nasty nor allow me to stand up for myself because he didn’t want me to hurt his family feelings (he was not concerned that they had hurt my feelings). Wow! I feel better just getting this off my chest. Not sure what I will do. At 57 I am probably too old to start over but am tired of living with someone who will never change.

Pete Pearson
Pete Pearson

Kim – I’m glad you got some of your struggles off your chest.
Your final statement “but am tired of living with someone who will never change” .suggests the next move is up to you. Do you fear living without him is a greater fear than the anguish of living with him?

There is a really good book that may shed even more light on you and your situation. It is called The War of Art. It is a lot about the demons you and your husband are fighting . The author is Steven Pressfield
Good luck
Pete

Sam
Sam
Reply to  Pete Pearson

Its never too late to leave them. I have been with my husband for 8 years and married nearly 6. I am 53 I eventually asked him to leave as I was becoming ill with it all. He was also constantly on his phone which led me to think he is also an addict. He wouldn’t do anything and on his days off he would sleep, blaming everybody else except himself. They are also selfish to the core. He couldn’t even get up on a Sunday so we could do things together, He never bothers about me or what he is doing to me. I was signed off work for 2 weeks with depression and he carried on with his own life coming home at 8,30 so he could avoid me and play on his phone. I can’t believe all the things I have gone though are the same as other people. In 7 weeks he’s been round 6 times and stayed for an hour each time. I changed the locks and his excuse for not coming round…he wasn’t going to stand at the door waiting for me to unlock or open it like Billy no mates. He is at his daughters as the moment and if I ask how it is he says ” not great it’s not where I want to be” tough he should have taken notice, but it can’t be that bad as he’s not coming round here anyway. I think I have also enabled the process and tried to help him by trying to understand him, help him suggest things to him but it is a waste of time and I don’t have anymore to waste on someone who doesn’t care. We have all had lives that weren’t great but we all get on with them and try to make them better but these people want the victim card and maybe they should try to stop playing the victim and get a life..as you are a long time in a box

Pete Pearson
Pete Pearson

Sam – your comment about ” I eventually asked him to leave as I was becoming ill with it all.” reminds me of a woman I once worked with – she was in a similar situation as yours and said after I told him to leave and he did, i noticed I didn’t need anti depressants any more.

There is a price for staying and a price for leaving – the choice of the price is always ours.
Thanks for sharing
Pete

Debbie
Debbie

After 27 years of marriage and still dancing the same tune only now at age 53 after reading everyone’s testimonials do I honestly see and understand that my husband is PA. He has pushed me to the point of insanity where I have done anything and everything to get a response from him. I have screamed and shouted, I have thrown things, I have attempted suicide, I have even thrown a glass of wine at him as well as hitting him (I am very ashamed and guilty of my behavior). We have 2 older sons in their twenties who have been privy to some of this dysfunctional behavior. We have been for counselling but he always blames me. I feel guilty about myself and any decision I make all the time. I beg him to talk to me and say what he feels and feel what he says and he just looks at me dumbfounded. If I ask him a question, he sees it as a confrontation and withdraws completely. I sleep in the spare room and he comes into the room asking me everyday if I had a good sleep and would I like a cup of tea??? Yet he never every brings up the elephants in the room. He cannot understand why I have withdrawn from him and tells me I am crazy why cant we just move on. I cant anymore as I have done it so many times to my own detriment and when I see him walking down the passage shaking his head and whistling it drives me insane when there are issues to be confronted and talked about. All our friends and my sons think he is such an awesome, positive person and such fun to be around and I of course am seen as the problem. I left a page on PA traits (which I had printed from the internet) next to the kettle for him to read to try and get through to him- he didn’t even acknowledge it or say anything about it but did ask if I would like a cup of tea. I have not had the courage to leave as I always think he will change, up until now I have always believed that I am the problem. He says that he had the best childhood any child could ever have had, he says he never screams or shouts at me, or ever criticizes me which he doesn’t but at the same time I can read him like a book and know that he is thinking something but not saying what he is thinking or feeling. He puts on this act in front of friends that he is a model husband. I am at a total loss within myself as I know he will not change and that I have to find the courage to move on. My self esteem is so low, I live on tranquilizers to get through each day and have now started drinking early in the evening because all I want to do is sleep and not wake up to another day of feeling bad and guilty about me being the person I am.

carmen
carmen

Wow!!! Im blown away. For most of my 16 years of marriage Ive been concerned that I might have mental issues because I just could not understand what was going on around me and he ALWAYS attacks my character. His favorite saying is …”You don’t have the capacity to…….” You can fill in the blanks there with what ever you like. I am currently on Valium to subdue my panic attacks and I struggle to keep depression at bay. About 2 years ago I contemplated suicide because I went through a severe depression. His mother was living with us at the time, and she too is highly passive aggressive. My mother had just had a heart attach and my father had called for to come asap. They lived about 2 hours flight away from us. My reaction was to immediately ask my mother in law to watch the kids for a couple of days and she flat out said NO…..”I will have a heart attach if I have stay here and watch the kids”…I couldn’t believe it! My husband was out of town on business and I called him to let him know what was happening. He promptly told me that there was other family to take care of my mother and if I should even BOTHER to make alternative arrangements with the kids he would take all my money out of my account so I could not buy a plane ticket. And to top it all off I told him what his mother said and his response to me was…”Well you know how you can be……” What does that even mean!!
And so my depression began. I have suffered for YEARS. I have fought myself out of that depression and left him for about 6 months to get away from that toxic environment. We are back together but he still hasn’t changed. I know now that I AM NOT CRAZY. And with his mother living with us makes it 100 times worse. I cannot do this ANY LONGER. I am seriously considering divorce. Ive been a stay at home mom most of our marriage. But because he cant keep a job for more than 2 years….which I am now convinced is because of his PA……Ive been working a receptionist job. It doesnt pay much but it feeds our kids and helps with the necessities. He has been out o work for almost 3 years and STILL he says ‘ I dont mean to diminish your job but on your salary we just get by”…..or…” No disrespect but with my salary we would be able to do much more than we do know” Well then keep a job Mr I know it all!!! Im exhausted! Ive been in and out of ER’s, drinking pill after pill for depression and anxiety and the bastard has the audacity to tell me its all in my head! Yes I am angry. Angry for believing that I am the cause of an unhappy marriage. I feel stifled, like my life has been sucked out of me, no have no energy left. I have no friends because he constantly assuming that Im sleeping with my friends if and when I make friends. I know I have to leave….but Im afraid too

Jones
Jones

I believe in God, my girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and a half when she decided to move to Peru to join the Peace Corps. I always knew she was considering going but she did not want to ever talk to me about it, at one point a few months before she left she told me she was leaning towards not going and staying in our hometown. Three weeks before the date she would leave she told me she was going. She told me she was scared to talk to me about it worrying I would react negatively, and that she wanted to stay together during her two year commitment. I felt that ending on good terms and staying in touch would be best for us and our possible future, but I ended up agreeing to stay together. I found myself heartbroken in the month following her departure, and I admit I made the mistake of acting needy and doubtful of our relationship, which she said ended up pushing her away. We broke up for good over a month ago and she told me her feelings have changed due to how I have acted. She asked I give her space and do not talk to her over the app we had been using to text/call. I am going to respect her request but it is hard because I really still love and care for her. I want to know how she is doing. I was worried that by not talking we will grow further apart/if I wait for her she will not talk to me again.Than I have handwritten a few letters explaining my feelings for her.But she never reply, But lucky for me DR IFA was the one who brought my love back to me, he is a good spell caster. his contact address is (drifatomilolaspiritualtmple @ gmail . com, You can still save your marriage or Relationship if really you still love your partner.

Janet
Janet

I hate my husband. I don’t know how to get him out of my life. He’s a user and passive aggressive. My life is hard. I’m old and tired. My house is a disaster even though I work hard. Life has no reward. I have dreams but no hope.

Mary L
Mary L

I can so relate to many of the testimonies. I am 64 and finally getting a divorce after 40 plus years of marital hell as I describe it. I am a person that likes reconciliation and restoration. That doesn’t happen when you are with a PA person. Anytime you want to address issues, you are treating the person unfairly or get stonewalled or gaslighted and the problem ends up being YOU. I only recently figured out what this all was that I was dealing with for decades. No counseling really helped me to figure it out. It is emotional abuse that stems from a passive aggressive person. I could never figure out why I felt nuts all the time. I always looked like the one out of control because they stay in control ~ that keeps up their facade. I wanted desperately for the marriage to work and tried and tried but finally now realize it is pretty useless and hopeless and I am burned out to the max and have no desire to live the way I have anymore. My poor sons had to be witness to all this and there was a time they thought I was the one out of control too but now they are wiser. I wanted desperately for the man to be free to be a stable and happy man but it is all just wishful thinking and I stayed Far, Far too long. Should have gotten off the bus many decades ago. Don’t wait until you are like me and most of your life has passed you by. If you see no effort on their part to want to change, chances are great it will not happen.

Jean
Jean

I feel shocked reading your descriptions of PA husbands. So accurate! I have no way out but I am happy for those of you who can flee.

Sheila
Sheila

Many thanks to all of you for your comments,they have given me great insight.
I have been married for 26 yrs to a PA man and have only just realised it.I’m not taking any more of his ‘sabotaging’ behaviour and he knows it!He comes from a broken home,his parents’ divorced when he was very young[5] and to top it off he went to
boarding school in the 70s…bleak emotionally bereft places in England.As soon as the
children came along he changed.They have left home now and it’s just me and him…
I do love him..but he exhibits classic PA behaviour..TEXTBOOK!I don’t want a divorce
even though he’s driving me insane sometimes..I want him to change and I think he is very slowly doing so…so there IS HOPE.In the end change comes from within..he has to want it.Calmly tell them that they are passive aggressive and that you won’t be tolerating such behaviour anymore..it can work.Good Luck.

Deb f
Deb f

My ex husband was PA & I lived with his appalling behaviour for almost 20 yrs before reading something on line about PA & there he was on paper! By this time I had gone through a mental breakdown & my physical health was dreadful too. I showed him the traits of PA & said “I think you do this”, he read it & said “yes & you don’t know how deep this goes”. This gave me hope that now he knew he would change & stop his appalling behaviour – after all no-one would treat the people they love like that intentionally right? Nope – he decided he didn’t want to stop it & I divorced him. He is now carrying out his nasty little games on his new girlfriend. I want to tell her but she wouldn’t believe me. Our daughter is also suffering as he uses his PA against her too. I’ve had to tell her about PA & how her dad acts to try to give her the tools to protect herself but I know she is feeling very bad. Do not be under any illusion – PAs do not change – they may look like they are but this is just a tactic so they can get your defences down & start it up all over again. The only solution is to leave & have no contact. Run away as fast as you can. My tip is judge a PA by their actions only – ignore everything they say – its all lies. Their actions tell you what they really mean. Good luck to all those suffering with one of these disgusting people – save yourself – you can’t save or change them x

Deb f
Deb f

Oh & one more tip – in my case the key phrase was “I forgot” -“I forgot to put the cat net on the cot (again) & the cat nearly smothered the baby”, “I forgot to close the front door & out toddler was nearly killed by a car”, “I forgot to find more work so we have no money”, “I forgot your birthday/anniversary etc etc”.
I now know if I heard the words “I forgot” there was passive aggression happening – for years I had racked my brains to understand how he could “forget” important things yet again. That man recked my life & those of our children. I’m now so happy to be away from all that stress & continual unhappiness. Btw PAs don’t want to change because they are getting what they want out of the situation which is seeing their victim’s externalise the PAs anger & upset which they are unable to directly express themselves. Don’t expect them to give that up for anyone.

Tams
Tams
Reply to  Deb f

Story of my life. One thing but it’s EXTREMELY important for understanding our exchange with PA spouses: they are definitely not unable (they’re adults just like the other spouse). They’re unwilling to express, and/or unwilling to learn how to express their bad feelings in a healthy way (in any way). It’s just comfy for them to remain clueless about the impact of their behavior, because that way they sleep well as innocent victims of OUR bad emotions (active response to a passive stimulus: our anger ) they don’t have to ’look bad’ in front of their sanctimonious self by expressing those bad emotions. We do it for them as you wrote as well…but let’s be frank about it, their intention is to harm and stay unharmed, and get away with it all – that is why they never do it openly and if you call them on their behavior openly, they deny, deny, deny. That’s why they keep doing this. This lack of intention to change, grow up and stop hurting us is what PA-s will never give up and admit then change…not even when they play along and agree to spend thousands of bucks on couple’s therapy, in vain (because they’ll only need the naive audience of people who want to help the PA and this way the PA can just have more people in front of whom they can victimize themselves…validating their PA toolkit. It works if they get what they want out of everyone: their full attention and validation that THEY are GOOD .) What they don’t want to accept is the fact that keeping this whole PA stuff up takes a lot more energy and is less rewarding that actually change a little, so in every single situation make a subconscious choice to stay clueless about their behavior and it’s impact, because having a clue would mean they have to use that knowledge, that they’re responsible for how they interact with their environment at all times, and that’s only for adults. They don’t want to grow up, and we’re all enablers, making this possible for them, ruining ourselves for them, trying to reach their mentally unavailable asses, parenting them, when they are happy to remain infants regarding their EQ who are NEVER responsible for their footprint on the world around them, stuck in ages of 3 (I want it now), 5 (I want it but I know it’s inappropriate but still clueless to the impact my fulfillment would have on others, so I sneakily get it then lie about it) and 10 (I want it and I understand why it’s an inappropriate request and also the impact of my fulfillment on others, but I still go for it then lie about it because I don’t care about them). When the spouse grows out of the role of the unsolicited parent and they’re hurting bad and long enough they may move on (if it’s financially possible for them), leaving the PA behind who will never stop thinking of themselves as a victim of an agressive bastard/biach who wanted to change them, fix them continuously. Word.

Kay
Kay
Reply to  Deb f

This!

Pete
Pete

Living with a passive aggressive personality is indeed frustrating. If you listen to politicians you will notice they often do not respond to the questions asked. They duck, dodge, weave and then respond to the question they wanted you to ask. It is crazy making to the interviewer or viewer. Politicians are trained to do this. Passive aggressive people do it naturally. It is a defense against making emotional contact and the being painfully disappointed when emotional connection and then having it ruptured. Passive aggressive people do not have the resilience to tolerate the connection and inevitable disconnection. Many do not change but some do with sufficient insight and motivation.

it takes a team effort to make the change.

Jenny
Jenny

Wow !!!! I’ve been married almost 2 years and this is so crazy to read , it’s my husband to the t!!!!!!!!! He never apologizes or takes reaponsabilitu for his mean selfish behavior, he always procrastinates, never gets stuff done, has so much potential so I hope he’ll change but he doesn’t care to reach it Bc he doesn’t like to set goals. He hates planning or committing to doig anything.

I’ve cried almost everyday Bc If he decides Im annoying (usually over nothing) , he will punish me by silent treatment after insulting me and getting mad at me and blaming me when really he’s the one at fault. If i ask him to plz do something he promised he’ll do he feels attacked even if i do it with love and if i don’t bring it up then he won’t do it either so either way I’m screwed.

Everyone loves him but I know the real mean him.
He cheated on me at first on chatting apps, then with escorts and got us in HuGe debt Bc of being a sugar daddy as if we had money. He thinks he’s so amazing and just the most amazing at everything and better than everyone at most things.

If we disagree or he’s annoyed we can never problem solve Bc he just withdraws , he says stuff like ugh go away ur so annoying , and even says stuff like he doesn’t care about me or if I leave

🙁 so much pain

Lauren
Lauren
Reply to  Jenny

Oh my god, I could have written this. “Thinks he’s amazing and better than everyone at everything” – to a tee! Sounds like you’re dealing with a covert narcissist like I have been the last 10 years. Wishing you the best & hope you get out of there.

Tee
Tee

PA’s are emotionally stunted train wrecks…lol!!

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Tee

T R U T H .

andrea
andrea

I think that one of the things that needs to be discussed on pages like this is also the possibility of getting the heck out. Unfortunately I’ve got 2 kids with my husband and am not sure if it is in their interests or not for me to stay. They may be better off if we stay together than split. I recently had to spend two months out of town dealing with my parents’ significant health needs. While I was gone, my husband sort of kept things running (he doesn’t have a job so it isn’t like he is busy with other things, either). Hmmm. Building a raised bed for strawberries? Sure, but then instead of pulling the sod out he just leaves it in, making for dozens of hours of extra work for me. I would have been able to do it myself. Oh, and while he did that, he conveniently “forgot” to take the kids to 4H. He watched my dogs, but then when a puppy got sick, gosh darn it, it just didn’t cross his mind to call the vet, so my puppy died. He mowed the lawn, but pretended not to see all of the raspberry plants he destroyed instead of mowing around them. He kept the chickens fed and watered, but gee, when the new chicks from the hatchery started dying, it just didn’t cross his mind to call the vet and see what was going on; rather, I had to blow my top at him before he did that (turns out it was Marek’s disease). And so on. Doesn’t take the initiative to get the kids enrolled in ANY extracurricular activities, and then complains and whinges on when I take the initiative to do so. “Forgets” that I had our youngest kid in flute lessons. Lets the house (in my absence) turn into the sort of filth pile from which social services snatches the kids, and then I become the bad guy when I come home after 2 months out of town and get angry when I see piles of dirt mixed with shedding dog hair and torn up paper all over the house. Gets the kids fed, but when daughter comes home from school with an obviously fractured finger, it doesn’t dawn on him to call the doctor, so then I become the bad guy when I chew him out over it and make the doctor’s appointment myself (from 180 miles away) and direct him to take her there. Rude and snarky comments when I don’t get dinner going at his demand the first night of Passover, and then pretending (since he isn’t Jewish) to understand the significance of the holiday, and feigning complete ignorance as to the level of rudeness he just displayed.

I can’t wish my kids away. What I do wish is that I would have left him 10 years ago when we were expecting our youngest kid. But now what? Do I leave him over his ongoing passive-aggression and thereby wreck our kids’ participation in extracurriculars (since he will, no doubt, constantly “forget” to get them where he needs to during his time of placement, should we split and have shared placement)? At least the way things are, I can get them to Hebrew school, 4H, and other activities, no matter what night it is. If we were to have 50-50 placement, then bye-bye participation in any non-school activities because he would be able to sabotage it half of the week.

lucille
lucille

I figure I am married to a PA have put up with it for 31 years never got any wedding gift from him or his family he moved into my apartment and then the first week of marriage he wasnt there he would go and stay with his cousin and have dinner with him that first week I had such a strong feeling to leave him and get marriage annulled but I loved him so the torture continued on. I bought a condo that we both moved into cuz I was desperate to get out of that 300 square foot apartment, the condo was a disaster it became dangerous and unliveable 24/7 of noise vermin rats and mice and millions of cockroaches I worked out of the condo so I ended up very sick being locked up in there had to file bankruptcy then we became homeless too sick to work. He had a lot of fun he coached girls at a catholic private girls school making a penauts really a stipend and boy did he work overtime. also he does a radio show for free every sunday–more fun!! never had a honeymoon never put up a dime for the small wedding no gift or even flowers when I married him not even an I Love You. My father put up money for a house in cash and my mother felt sorry for hin and put Half in his name. we moved in a very nice home bought and paid for and he never thanked anybody he actually used to sneer at me he nver cut the grass he never did anything with the house I couldnt do much –I was so sick from anxiety disorder and a chemical imbalance from the mess in that condo He refused to take out trash. H for example he left some rugs outside on the porch forever and yellow jackets made a nest and he just let it go my poor dog got stung but he was okay thank god I begged him to get rid of the rugs fell on deaf ears never went on a trip only to his home country where I was stuck for a month in the house with hsi mother doing nothing while he was out ;lying soccer with friends He always told me his parents had a perfect marriage but I found out the father was always cheating and never home
mother had everything provied for and seemed useless. I always gave him my paycheck to pay bills. I cooked and cleaned never complimented never appreciated.
I am an artist and he resented tht. he decided that he wanted to be a painter what a joke and got mad when I told him he has no talent for that. I have no relatives now but inherited some money that he wanted half of Im too wise now and said never!!
Now I have Lyme disease was bedridden and of course he has no empathy and he screamed at me while I was at my lowest point I am stronger now —He refused to clean leaves or cut grass so we were full of ticks never cleaned out little shed hundreds of mice we had two dogs at time and he never cleaned up the poop I did of course but it was a mess people would walk by and look with disgust. He lies alot but he turns it around on me like I imagined it all. He has no friends I feel drained of everything and I am still paying out money he still makes peanuts I beg him to make xtra try a tag sle to take the burden off me but he never does. I am afraid of going through all of whatever I have left to take care of myself he seems angry if he pays for a cheapo meal my mother left me her almost new car he was driving and totaled it and tried to keep the insurance money from it but I demanded it back
it goes on and on. Im just like all of you poor souls married to one of these creeps.
good luck to all of you but get out while you can

Anna
Anna

Crikey, this has knocked me for six. This is my husband after been married for 6 months how stupid I feel for falling for all is charm and believing her was such a good person. I now beginning to realize I need to get out of this marriage . We dated for 2 years before marrying and I was blinded by love even though all the signs were there. Now am paying for it. Am 54 , so tired with all that goes with PA man. I do not want to stay around to help him. Am done . Thank you for the insight x

Sean
Sean

This has been helpful for me. My wife’s mother did a number on her. She can’t get organized, she won’t stick to a plan (even seems like she makes a pint to never do so.” I do 80% of all house work, and she believes herself to be “doing all the house work alone.”
The only undone work is her clothes, her room (I refuse to share one because I like to see my bed, floor and countertops not piles of clothes). She will spend all her time cleaning and things just look hordes, not sorted. She places baskets and piles of loundry in the front and back hallway so that the doors can not be opened. If I complain about they laundry (which primarily belongs to her but she mixes it with the children’s to,claim only partial ownership. She will organize dirty dishes, but not clean them, sometimes several times before I or in a rare occasion she cleans them. Every bit of information brought her way is questioned to no end, depreciating the validity of the presenter. She leaves for work 5 minutes before she should be there and has never been on time, ever, for a job while we have been together, 13 years. She won’t plan events, parties or buy presents. If she is criticized she will tantrum like a toddler. I last week I spent hours fixing the furnace, when I came up she suggested I do the dishes while on a role. We have split up, and she has threatened to move out, but instead she has moved into the living room, which is a mess now. She broke up with me because she could no longer stand my criticism, and she had an online boyfriend before she broke the news to me, but if she even thinks I am talking to someone she acts like we have never broken up and I betrayed her.
I hate her mother, she is the most passive aggressive person I know personally. She will walk into a room and huf and sie until someone asks what her problem is, then she tells you what yours is in that not so direct way. “O your Irish, lucky I am not Irish or I would have a broken fence and dirt for a from lawn.” Her mother makes her feel like a child who will never measure up to anything, her two older sisters, her ancestors ect.
I feel like the woman in the relationship with being the foundation for the kids and doing most of the housework, she was a stay at home mom for a long time, but I still did most of that stuff most of the time, the rest of the time it just went undone. I feel like any bit of cleaning I do is enabling her to,believe she is maintaining the house. My room is spotless, and the kids get clean sometimes, but she keeps the kitchen living room and her room in shambles.
Good to vent, I am not perfect, but I have nowhere here exadurated accept when I use words like never, she has bought some presents and must have gotten to work on time at some point, but examples are very hard to produce.
I am a Virgo and she an Aquarius if anyone was wondering.

Lorna cookson
Lorna cookson

I’ve been with my husband 10 years now .
I’m at the end of my tether now his PA is getting worse . He has been going to
He has been getting counselling first once a week he thinks when we have a good week he doesn’t need to go .
He is s workaholic and uses his work to stay later and later sometimes it’s to punish me .
Money and his work are his life I’m last .
He doesn’t talk to me unless it’s about work or someone at work , he never asks how me how my day has been . He is always calling me lazy though I work and do everything in the house cleaning shopping cooking car cleaning and everything that involves the car . We have houses we rent out I deal with all the cleaning maintenance contractors , taking phone calls for repairs finding someone to do them . I do the 6 monthly checks on the houses he says he doesn’t like going round peoples houses and has no time to do any repairs .
I do everything yet I’m still told I’m lazy . He also calls my son lazy and has insulted us both verbally with words you wouldn’t repeat .
He makes promises then drags his feet and if I remind him or ask if he has done that yet he will say no because you are going on about it .
When he realises he can’t find anymore excuses after a bad time arguing then he may be sorry but that’s after the ignoring and blaming me and the insults .
I’m lonely there is no affection no sec life not much communication. We don’t have friends as he won’t communicate with them and I find it embarrassing so dong invite anyone round now.
Family come but he works and rather than communicate he will go go bed early or sit on his iPad or just sit saying nothing .
He comes home unfriendly no sign that he actually likes me at all rather like he hates me .
When things have been horrendous I’ve said I wang to leave he then becomes nice for a while but it soon goes back to the later .
He controls me with finances, he sold the econical car for an expenses one which I find drains me of money to run it . If we talk about buying anything for the house that I want to change he will drag it out drag it out , I’ve waited 8 years for a new table , promises a new fridge but I’ve given up on that . Holidays we have some good ones but from the discussion about one go actually booking it is a long process and usually an awful time has to occur before it actually happens .
He is always saying he can’t agford it yet though we don’t spend on much rarely go out rarely look forward to anything as we aren’t able to plan because he won’t .
I’m just left broke as all my money goes on food things gifts for family and my son .
He makes me feel like a drain on him I don’t ask him anymore for anything .
He promised myself and my son a holiday and then didn’t book it and again caused a nightmare of a time as I kept asking if he had changed his mind as he hadn’t booked it he said again it’s becsusd I went on about it .
When I told him to stick it then he booked it and another time of ignoring me as I didn’t thank him that resulted in calling me boring and he was bored with me and didn’t know if he wanted to be with me any more . Because I went quiet what could I say . He then said something wrong with me behaving like that like he was oblivious to what he had done before.
Then said he wished he could cancel the holiday or my son should go with his girlfriend as I didn’t say thank you and I was rude and didn’t deserve to go .
I feel like I’m going mad . I want to leave had enough now. No love affection money socialising always madd to feel blame yet he says I always blame him every thing is his fault and then the ignoring starts .
Figs children from his first marriage his mum his step mother me that dies the communication with them making excuses for him why he doesn’t call them though he may be at home at the time but won’t speak to them .
I’m venting as I’m angry frustrated and totally at a loss at the circle of episodes ever ceasing.
I’ve got to leave for my own happiness and that of my sons I know that .
I’ve stayed as he has no friends no family communication only his work which he says he only has and stats so long as my behaviour makes him stat there .
What will become of him also my financial situation will make it hard for me to move out and I know when I do he will make my life hell on earth not that it hasn’t been anyway .
I know I must go . I think I’ve gained the strength now probably because it’s hell to stay and the peace I will feel is what is helping me .
I’ve read a lot of these posts and to hear that some of you have had as bad a time as I have it helps as I feel like I’m not mad after all

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Lorna cookson

If you’re married to this guy then file for a divorce. He’s having a picnic party grinding you to a knub. Let the judge separate out the assets. That will REALLY saddle his ass with reality. Fuck him and all his manipulative passive aggressive bullshit shennannigins. Start the formal process in motion and watch him turn into a puddle of shit that he is. Any time a partner is refusing to do something because their partner “is going on about it”, that’s absolutely not love, that’s rote shittiness and just deliberate maliciousness. This is an asshole. A very quick way for him to get smart is to be served the divorce proceedings. You stay in the house with your kids. He hits or threatens you then? Call 911 and report him. And just like that Mr. Bullshit Fuckhead is slam danced right into the fast lane of “Oops”. He’ll get some respect that he’s apparently missing and right quick. Stop being tortured by this asshat.

Aveline
Aveline

I want to say how moved and sad I am about so many people being in such pain. My own theory is that pa behavior is a form of spousal abuse. And while it seems more men go after women, this can happen in any relationship. I knew a 6’2” male friend whose wife would attack him when he got home, usually with an iron frying pan. He finally left her and is now remarried and happy. I am 63 and it took me decades to realize that my husband is pa. So is his family. Since I came from a very dysfunctional family my self esteem has always been very low so I kept trying to fix things, like it was all my fault. And I kept trying to get a real reaction from him which eventually led to me yelling.
On our first anniversary he said he had to go to a job out west. On a Sunday. How stupid I was. Ever since it has been getting worse. He denigrates, “forgets,” lies, manipulates and loves to get me when I am down already. Esp in front of people in a way that makes it difficult for me to respond without seeming like a jerk. He has revealed personal and sensitive info to people who I told him not to, and I am only lucky in that he is able to hold a job, but he is never happy for more than a few months then starts to whine and uses it as an excuse not to do other stuff. He also has withheld info about unpaid taxes, the whereabouts of my kids, etc.
I just want to tell younger people, mostly women. Get a skill and get a job and get out! I was a teacher but could not get a job after a law was passed that cut the budget for teachers in our state. I thought it was important to stay near his family. What a mistake. I should have moved.
I did not recognize what was going on. I was molested by my father, my mother was sociopathic in nature and I was her favorite victim, and my sister became a pedophile. (For anyone who is surprised that women can be pedophiles and child molesters, just be aware that they are harder to catch but definitely exist.) A “family friend” of my husband’s family molested my oldest daughter and was going after the younger one when the older one told. To me. No one supports us. And he still talks to his family like it is ok they don’t ostracize this person, while I do. And them. Yet they all act like I am crazy. My daughter wants to prosecute but it would be her word against the adult molester. However several police officers and court officials interviewed her, along with mental health officials, and all agree that my daughter is being truthful. Drives me nuts I cannot do anything more.
None of this would have happened if I had not been fed to the wolves (his family) by my spouse. In my neediness the molester groomed me by acting like a supportive friend. And yes, she is female. So I let her babysit. She betrayed my daughters and me.
Yet my spouse does not even act angry.
A pa spouse just doesn’t care. They may say they do. But they don’t. Look at the person’s behavior. Step back. Ask yourself if you would do these things. If you can think of someone who truly loves or loved you. Does this feel the same? Do you feel joy around your spouse or like you are waiting for the next bomb to drop? Look at what they do not what they say! (Although sometimes they even say very cruel things that seem to come from nowhere.)
I was lucky because the older woman I called Grandma who was just a neighbor treated me like a beloved granddaughter. I know what Love is to quote a certain movie! So do you. It is what you feel for your kids or even your pets (who are way nicer to me than my spouse). Pa behavior isolates the non-pa spouse and that can lead to bad stuff happening. To you or your kids or even friends. I used to have several close friends and always a group to hang with. Now I have one and he said something disparaging about me talking to her the other day. Like I am not being loyal. Lol!
I have been getting better at disengaging from his shenanigans. That helps me not yell. I am in ill health so cannot leave. (I have a theory that some spouses wait until you are ill or unable to leave financially to let their true nature really show.) I have stopped making excuses for him to my daughters. So they are seeing who the instigator really is when we fight.
It isn’t the best of circumstances but both girls will be away at college soon and he will be at work. So I won’t have to worry so much about protecting them from his often nasty comments or crappy behavior. And I am looking for an online job so I can have my own money.
Don’t wait. The few pa types who change make you work for it. And most do not change.
In the meantime do not confide in a pa. Many may not actually hit you physically but they are similar to abusers in many ways. If they sense they are unable to control you, you may be treated to one of their temper outbursts. If that ever happens remember it. That’s the way they really feel.

Stephanie
Stephanie

My husband has withheld sex. He promises to do things I’ve asked for, that make me happy. He drags his feet or does none of those things. I told him I didn’t want to go on vacation because we had no dog sitter. He booked the vacation and blamed me, saying that I would have been upset if he made no plans. My dogs are so important to me. He was ridiculous to say that. He does stuff like this a lot. My brother said he gaslighted me when I thought he was cheating. He never answered a question simply. He would answer with another question. I have depression. He always calls me crazy when we have a fight. I have told him calmly and not so calmly what I would like in the marriage. He rarely complies but makes promises that seem genuine. I was ab idiot to believe his bullshit that everything was just fine before marriage.

Diana
Diana

My husband can transform from a wonderful human to the most horrid person ever in seconds and for reasons that can easily be taken care of, he just over reacts and seems like he just cannot stop himself. He yells, calls me names, he has hurt me not directly but as a result of him going everywhere and I didn’t move fast enough, he had avoid intimacy as long as it takes for me to learn my lesson and agree I was wrong or that I hurt him. He is not a monster, but he does have serious issues with his anger and I am just there, patiently working on myself and waiting for him to change, it will never happen I fear, but still even if i know is a good idea to leave with our son, I still cannot do it. I feel bad for him.
I keep reading articles, finding professional help, I keep working on myself, still I just cannot leave, isn’t that stupid?

Anyone
Anyone
Reply to  Diana

Not stupid. It’s called trauma bonding and actually loving someone. You need to love yourself at least as much as your partner. The amazing loving man is the mask. The fake persona he presents to the world. When he flips his shit, that’s the real party right there. Asshole comes out to play.
If you don’t believe, arrange for someone to come over and show up during one of his dickhead sessions. Watch him transform right back from dickhead to public image personna just snap snap quick as that. Directly like someone having an all out angry tantrum, then they answer the phone and immediately go to everything is perfect sweetie fucking poo. Shocking. Manipulative. Mind fuckers. Actors.

Working at it.
Working at it.

Thought my partner was PA, but really she’s just suffering a low level chronic depression. Nothing clinical. Anyhow, I made an extra effort and that, plus other things turning for the better and she’s not PA any more.
Well, not more than anyone else is capable of being at times.

My suggestion is to consider that your partner might not be able to express that they are down and have felt down for a while. We can get swept up in life and not notice it… The old frog in the saucepan thing.

The whole thing even made me realise how I can be like that too when I’ve been having a tough time in life and feel hemmed in.

Hope this helps.

flyingcars
flyingcars

RE Diana! Reply doesn’t seem to work! Diana, don’t feel sorry for him! Feel your pain, not his! You’re just like me, overly empathetic to the point of losing or forgetting myself. I’m an RN, I no longer work due to chronic illness, but my greatest strength of empathy is being exploited by my PA husband. They prey on people like us. I can’t seem to leave him either, but after an increase in his ridiculous angry tirades recently, I’m at the point of no return. I can’t tolerate the anger, the name calling, the accusations, the disrespect, his unreasonable-ness ANYMORE. He doesn’t know how to communicate or compromise while I trade my life away for him. Stupid is right. I have no friends where we live (thanks to him) & my family is over 2hrs away. It sucks to feel so alone & “crazy” like you’re the only one who sees this dysfunction or cares about your marriage. I can’t believe how stupid I am! I put up with this for 15 year’s! My husband is intolerable, I told him he acts like he wants me to kill myself because I had the misfortune of getting sick! They will never change, I know that temporarily he’ll appear better, but it’ll all go to hell within a month. For example my husband will get mad about something our cats did, he immediately freaks out & literally blames me, as if I can control a cat & compel them to eat the toilet paper or something! I try to talk him down, but it always just gets worse! He wastes at least 2-3hours yelling at me, repeating himself & saying things he should never say to his wife! Ugh. I’m exhausted, confused, & angry & I’m not letting it go this time! My husband is terribly controlling & never deals with anything directly or at all really. He just acts angry or distant or like a jerk & expects you to just know why! Talking is great if you want to hear yourself blather on cause he’s not even listening & wouldn’t give you the satisfaction anyway! At least we’re not the only fools on this site! Take care Diana!

PS Diana, I love your name, I named my favorite cat Diana – after the greek goddess. I have a goddess Diana print, still waiting for my husband to hang it, & that could take years!

Lauren
Lauren
Reply to  flyingcars

Fellow chronic illness warrior/spoonie and I’ve been with my PA narcissist boyfriend about 10 years now. I’m hoping this year will be the year I finally leave. Just wanted you to know that I hear you & you’re not alone.

Lisa Grunwald

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