"Love that Lasts" newsletter collection
The Hidden Cost of Too Much Compromise in Your Relationship
By Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D
Oct 15, 2004, 11:07

Dear Couples,

Who hasn't heard about the importance of compromise in a
relationship? But how often do we hear about the price that is paid for that compromise? In a relationship of significance, most people do things that are accommodating. But what happens
when you become over-accommodating? What happens when you deny,
suppress or repress a meaningful portion of yourself?

The result is that you become embroiled in an internal struggle.
One part of you clamors to be heard and responded to, and the
other parts of you go into the accommodation mode. By continuing
to compromise and deny important aspects of yourself you stay
anxious and conflicted. And it takes a definite toll on your
relationship.

Why would you risk selling yourself out? For any number of
reasons...
-To keep the peace
-To preserve the relationship
-You believe you don't deserve to pursue your desires vigorously
-The pain of disagreement is too much
-And many other individual reasons

To experience, express and hold firm to that denied part of
yourself can often take heroic acts of effort, energy an
courage. The consequences will often be very stressful, either
in reality or in your imagination run riot.

In an attempt to avoid the potential devastation of standing
firm, you hope your partner will do what you have not done for
yourself—accommodate and respond to your own denied parts. When
your partner falls short of your unspoken hope you may become
withholding, depressed, critical or hostile.

When you decide to stop compromising yourself, you essentially
state, “I no longer will do A, B, or C because the price I have
been paying has been too high.” When you do this with clarity,
firmness and conviction, you don’t need to shout to be heard.

But what if your partner thinks you’re bluffing? After all, you
have attempted to create boundaries before and you have a
history of caving in on certain areas in the past. This is the
moment you have been dreading. You’re not exactly sure yourself
how far you will take it.

How far will you take it? If you are determined in your resolve
and the issue is of significance to both you and your partner,
your relationship will go into a crisis. At that point nobody
knows the outcome. Your partner may not decide to accommodate
you for their very own personal reasons. The crossroads nobody
wanted to face is now here...AND YOU PRECIPITATED IT!

By definition, in a crisis there is emotional turmoil,
insufficient data, and substantial consequences. With increased
clarity, you know why you have avoided this cauldron.

Very likely you are not only confronting the possibility of a
real-time distressing aftermath with your partner, you also are
probably pushing up against powerful prohibitions from your
past. It is all converging at one moment as you draw the line in
the sand. But you refuse to discount that neglected part of
yourself any longer.

As the pressure continues, you may want to shriek out to someone
else, “WHAT SHOULD I DO?” But the situation is not as hopeless
as it feels. Fortunately, your neglected part now has a voice
and will determinedly persist, manage the crises and in the
process develop the beginnings of a deep and penetrating self
confidence.

So you do this one on your own and let the chips fall where they
may. Maybe your partner does the same. Probably the two of you
emerge intact. You have held your ground. Knowing you can hold
your ground somehow gives you the freedom to discuss and accept
choices that were not available before.

Your decisions will be made with self respect and, surprisingly,
an increased respect for your partner. You find more
spontaneity, comfort and aliveness in your relationship. It
happened because you gave new life to another part of your self.
And you had the courage not to compromise.

Here are a few related pointers:
1. You don’t create an exceptional relationship by negotiating
for it.
2. Disagreement jump-starts growth.
3. Disagreement and conflict have their costs – but they are
also essential fuels for revitalizing your relationship.

So the adventure begins – an adventure of discovery about
yourself and your partner. Pack an open mind and a respectful
attitude toward each other. Persist in applying proven
principles of great relationships and this journey will be
rewarding no matter the destination.

Last weekend Pete conducted his largest and most amazing
couples’ workshop yet. The next one takes place February 12-13,
2005, guaranteeing you the best Valentine’s Day ever. It’s hard
to describe the phenomenal opportunities for transforming your
relationship at this intense weekend workshop. To find out more
about it, including comments from participants, Click here

Until Next Month,
Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson

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