Dear Couples,

Are you willing to go beyond flowers, dinner and chocolate for
Valentine's day?

Here's a different gift. The gift of intimacy. It will last
longer than a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers.

The poet Rilke once advised a friend that a good marriage does
not create "a quick community of spirit by tearing down and
destroying all boundaries," but rather appoints the other
"guardian of his solitude." Rilke's comments, applicable to all
committed partnerships, point to the mutual respect and clarity
that form the basis for genuine intimacy. Here are 10 ways to
deepen your intimacy.

1. Make it emotionally safe to bring up difficult subjects.

2. Listen with openness and curiosity.

3. Attempt to elicit a fuller range of feelings during
discussions and disagreements. This is how you really get to
know your partner.

4. Respect your partner's desire for greater distance or
closeness as expressing a need for comfort-not a personal
rejection.

5. Listen without comment during disagreements, despite strong
feelings being stirred.

6. Maintain perspective. See you partner as a human, not a deity
or demon.

7. Be honest with yourself. True intimacy with another can't
really happen until we are intimate and honest with compassion
with ourselves.

8. Dare to expose your imperfections and fears. This is
especially difficult since it goes against the instinct for
self-protection.

9. Avoid depending on your partner to fulfill all your emotional
and social needs.

10. Don't use affection, sex and loving behavior to reward or
punish. Remember that understanding is more than just repeating
back what your partner is telling you. If you really understand,
you will be able to recap the importance, significance and/or
implication of what your partner is telling you.

In order to really understand, you will probably need to recap
the facts and emotions of what you hear, ask questions for
clarification, and ask about the implications or symbolism of
what they are telling you.

Understanding and acceptance is something we all crave. Giving
it is a priceless gift.

Rilke reminds us of the connection between intimacy and a
healthy ability to maintain what's separate: "Once the
realization is accepted that even between the closest human
beings, an infinite distance continues to exist, a wonderful
living side-by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the
distance between them which makes it possible to see each other
whole and against a wide sky!"

Happy Valentine's Day,

Pete

P.S. Flowers, dinner and chocolate: $125

The gift of acceptance and understanding: priceless

P.P.S. If you'd also like to BUY your sweetheart a gift, check
out these possibilities from $10 to - well - jewelry's always
pricey..

1. Rilke poetry or other books
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0679722017/ref=nosim/?tag=couplesinstit-20

2. Or music
http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fmusic-rock-classical-pop-jazz%2Fb%3F%255Fencoding%3DUTF8%26node%3D5174&tag=couplesinstit-20

3. And of course, jewelry:
www.royal-treasures.com/designer-jewelry.html